Wednesday, July 04, 2007
I never thought things would get any worse from the past few days. but I was so wrong. so so so wrong. And you have absolutely no fucking idea how much it hurts. No idea at all. Its not only the constant hurt at the back of my head; which the doctor described as tension headaches but did not give any medication for, btw. Now I can also feel my heart hurting. Like physically hurting. I feel like theres something pushing my heart back that I have to inhale really really deep to breathe. and it hurts. it hurts so bad. I've never felt so much pain before. Never ever.
You know how sometimes you think of something but you keep the idea and thought away cuz you don't think its real or you don't want to believe it cuz you know you fucking hell won't be able to take it if its true? So you seriously keep it way inside and sometimes the idea doesnt even appear anymore. But then you talked to someone and the person could come with the same fucking idea. And when you talked to others about how you can't believe the person could have the same thought too; they confessed to you that they had the fucking same idea too. Coincidence? I don't think so. I really don't think so.
And for the fucking first time someone told me that my - is a hypocrite and I could fucking agreed with him. I did'nt feel angry or upset or anything. Cuz its fucking true la omg.
I don't know to put anything else into words. But I guess, I've got to give another day in school a go. I wish there's someone to talk to. But its 3 in the morning and every sane person out there is sleeping or have something really important to do and so there's no one to talk to. But then atleast I feel alone at home cuz there's really noooo one here. How about feeling alone in school, when there's a million other people? fucking psycho uh. I heard crying your hearts out can make you feel better. But what do you do when you just cannot cry anymore? Tell what do you do, when it all falls apart? I took pills to make me sleep. But goodness gracious no, its not working. it hurts more la omg. I'm losing every reason to smile like I mean it.I don't want love to destroy me, like what it did to my family.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
3:40 AM
