Today I went to work. (: I guess I'm beginning to appreciate CCSG a LOT more now cuz I now realise that people there are WAY better than people I know at school. Really really, i love my part timers and full timers and penly and atok and charles. guess who i left out? HAHA. but fauzan's still way better that everyone in school. I swear la okay. I feel way so much appreciated and loved and belonged in ccsg. Apart from my girls (whom i miss way too much all the time even though i do get to see them), they're just about all I have now. Really. Thats how much of a loner I am in school. SAD is'nt it. No wait, more sedih than sad.

You know me, I guess i am bitchy but i'm nice to new people you know. I do love meeeting and knowing new people. But it seems like I'm the only one smiling there. And i suppose my classmates are really sweet at times but theres just no one i can stick thru everything with, you know. Oh, how i try to fit in. its frustrating and annoying and now thats its been 7 weeks, its painful you know. its like i'm surrounded by a million people but i still feel so alone.

and btw, as much as i love ccsg, i just hafta say this. Don't ever eat the Baked spaghetti. for one simple reason: it sucks. LOL. i had that for staff meal just now and siallah i could not eat anything. i dun even know how i should describe it. so i actually left the dish uneaten. i'm so mean i know but i couldnt help it please. Even Errol's MUSHROOM ragout lasagne tasted WAYYY better. MUSHROOM could taste better, how do you think it tasted like? Yeah, you got it right. Like shit. Not like i've tasted shit or anything. Lol. thank god he's nice, i got to eat 1/78 of what was left of his mushroom lasagne. And haha we wanted to throw the spaghetti away somewhere the cooks couldnt see but we couldnt find a plastic in the office. hahaha. so i had no choice but to place the dish at the usual place and boy, the dishwasher is sucha an asss so what do u expect. Elton, the cook asked me why i didnt finish the dish and i didnt want to say its not nice cuz you know, thats not too nice. So i said i felt sick and just could finish it. And what did he say? "Next time if you sick don't order food". I was KNN LA CCB. I should have just said cuz it SUCKS right. Bitch.

AND i fucking hell need to study. OR maybe, just maybe i should withdraw and do Visual communications @ TP DESIGN SCHOOL!! LOL.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
11:59 PM

YEAY! I FINALLY got my laptop! (: And i knew i love it before i even had it. Lol. But of course i've got to break the terrible online world addiction real soon! Especially so cuz term test is like fucking next week! Can you believe it!! Already almost 6 weeks of school, now thats fast! And i just cannot wait for next thursday, 10am! My last term test paper! Term Break Here I Come!

You wanna know i'm so excited about term break? Cuz it means I can work more often! Why do i wanna work more often? Cuz GSS is here! And i need to shop! Okay fine, i WANT to shop! but my wants=needs=wants so wtf! and of course there's another reason why i wanna work! Exactly why i like to go to design school TOILET! LOL. GO FIGURE IT OUT LA OKAYYYY. LOL.

And funny how Tp's so small, I always have to bump into people i really really DON'T WANT to bump into and never seem to bump into e person i wanna bump into. But life is unfair so i guess i would hafta live with it! And keep telling myself, "don't worry Atiqah!! You still got more than 2.5 yrs in TP!" Still got much bumping around and getting all excited work to be done!!!! So stay tune and enjoy the ride!!!!

SO ANYWAY i hate how there's so many many many many lecture quiz and tutoriak quiz and tests in as. like really, how annoying. how mf-ing annoying. especially for a well-known slacker like me. and so tmr i have such a lecture quiz for PIPC (Principles of inorganic and physical chemistry). so tmr i'll have no choice but to attend the lecture. BLEH. but you see, i'm actually studying for the test while everyone else are'nt. but i'm going to be a bitch and tell everyone i did'nt study. LOL. Its payback time i tell you. you know how those smart-geeks-who-seriously-act-cool keep on saying they don't study but they really do and how they say they dunno how to do something just so they dont have to teach you? Its so fucking annoying ahhh. if they can be annoying, why can't i!!!

and i'll have really study study study like a typical ChE student. Okay actually no, most of the lecturers say ChE students are all so the very slack. SEE even the teachers are fooled. They ACT slack only lah, but they mug like crazy at home. Really, if you study say lah. don't act smart by saying "i did'nt study but i got correct!". I've tried it and its BULLSHIT.

okay i know i sound so childish and bitchy but whateverrrrrrrr.

on a not-totally random note, i miss coffee club siglap! (Random to you people but not random to me! for whatever
reasons...) ((;

so infatuated by two.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
11:43 PM

I told myself, today was going to be the day. No more excuses, cause I knew exactly what to say. Was gonna make my play, but just like yesterday. My mind erased, and I let the moment slip away. Another night, got me sitting here all on my own . Picking up the phone, but I can't get passed the dial tone. Wrakking my brain, going insane, again and again, I can't keep going this way.

Crushed by the sweetest lips I never kissed. And your fingertips and the warmest touch that I've always missed. Crushed by the softest hands I never held. Probably never tell, you're the strongest love that I've ever felt. Crushed that I haven't ever let you know, how it always goes, cause I lose my nerve whenever you get close. And so I'm left, short-of-breath, with that heavy feeling in my chest. Baby I'm so crushed.

So I tell myself, that tomorrow's gonna be the day. And I keep on telling myself that I'm gonna find a way. And I won't be afraid just like yesterday, Won't walk away, Never gonna let another chance slip away. Cause I gotta know, whichever way it's gonna go. Risk my heart and soul cause there can never be no more. Wrakking my brain, going insane, again and again, I won't keep going this way.

Baby, i'm so cushed.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
12:06 PM

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
12:24 AM

98.7FM is having a 1-hour special dedicated to Wayne call "Tribute to Wayne"on the 26th of May, 2007, 7 - 8pm.

Do tune in for it.

i miss you.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
9:49 AM

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
8:15 AM

Wayne Thunder. You're my shining starr.

I've always known The Suns but I got to know Wayne personally through Levan sometime last year. By then, The Suns were already pretty well known in Singapore and yet it was truly amazing, how humble he was. He was supposed to teach me drums but somehow we both couldnt make a date at that time but we said to each other, "soon". and now we know that day would never come.

He smsed me pretty frequently, while we were trying to initiate a time and date. But I was busy with the Os. I was not coping well with the stress then and somehow each time i spoke to wayne, he made me feel better. So now i realise i never thanked him for believing in me thru those days.

I remember replying to his smses, smsing him and stuff. I remember how he can get all random in the conversation and go into something like "have you eaten dinner?". I remember talking to him about the gig going on at DXO when belo, dhea and me went for the boat ride at esplanade. I remember all the silly stuff i use to tell him. Now i wish i still have those smses in my phone. cuz after i changed my number, i lost his contact number. that was it.

Did i bother getting his number or telling him my new number? Sadly, No.

But wayne's a good friend, after those times, and despite the million other people i bet he met in every gig he attended, i always know that he remembers me -even though I was never there for him. He never failed to surprise me with the myspace comments and such. somehow, despite not being there physically, he always there. and he's the only person who called me Nura cuz apparently my name is too long. Ahh so no one will ever call me nura ever again.

When i received the news, i was in so much shock. It did'nt sink in to me just yet but i was seriously shocked. I was in a lab session and my classmates realized my expression changed. When i told them the news, they could'nt believe it either. they don't know wayne, but they thought he was too young to go now. i knew i could'nt go for touch rugby training, i just was'nt myself. and at the same time i knew i couldnt go for the wake, i just couldnt take it.

When I got home, somehow i knew i had to log into myspace. and oh god, there i see it. enough to bring me down to tears. A comment from Wayne Thunder. Dated 15th of may. He said i must go for rock for good! Ah of course I have to go for this one Wayne, I never did attend any of the other gigs you told me to. I never did try to find the time. But i'm going for this one wayne, i'm going to rock for you. And i cannot help but realise that if i had logged on myspace a little earlier, a day earlier, i could have replied to his comment. i could have made him smile, like how he always could make me smile -for the very last time.

and now i will never get a random comment from him ever again. you know, i think i missed him without even realizing it. i did'nt realize the kind of friend i had in him. And now when i look at photographs of him, i still cannot accept the fact that i'll never see him again. i know i should but it hurts too much, you know.

I'm such a terrible person, aint i. he's such a wonderful person and i'm just too much of a bitch. I did'nt even attend the funeral of someone who could make me feel better, someone who could make me smile. I did'nt attend a funeral for a friend. I lost a friend.

I'm going to miss you wayne. you made me smile each time i talked to you. every images in my mind of you are those of you smiling. and somehow i wish i can see you for the very last time. i miss you already.

Rest In Peace.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
11:51 PM

You don't have to read this entry, its all just mere complains.

Okay so we're in the middle of the whole wedding celebration and i made my way home cuz i'm oh so tired. okay you see the wedding is at my own void deck cuz my grandma and aunt lives on the same block as me. so how lucky. i'm not supposed to be home, of course but my father asked me to send some stuff home and thus i took the chance to flee!! Lol. but i'm still in my saree just in case someone screams on the phone. damn mfing tired la please. i think i'm going to remove all this clothes on me, all this bangles, all this earings, all this necklace all this shit on my hair and i'm going to sleep!!! (plus i think i'm going to make sure the place i'm holding my wedding at is all air conditioned. siallah, hot like fuck can. ughhh.) I slept close to 4 am yesterday you know. Was busy with some preparations for the wedding and reached home at around midnight but i felt so guilty, i had to do some engine maths! so i did. and now i'll have to study for the MEB test tmr. BLUEK.

I'm going to sleep till say, 8pm and then study till 4 am again! cuz obviously i'll have to go to my granny's house again later. AHHHH. i'm sooo tired PLEASE. if only i can skip school tmr. not like i will meet anyone interesting in school. AHHH fuck tp.

-sometimes i wake up crying at night. and sometimes i call out your name. what right has she got to take you away, when for so long you were mine?

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
5:12 PM

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK

I miss you.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
8:55 PM

I really do miss my 402 girls. ):

But life is not too bad you know.

At least i get to meet someone almost every day.

She's annoying most of the time but I love her to the max still. (:

Plus seriously, I've met a million new people I cannot decide who I should love best. Lol.


TP SCHOOL OF APPLIED SCIENCE (: Can you fucking spot me!? Yes you can!! I am so happy i can see myself in this picture. Haha.


And i so love DAUNTLESS!!

OKAY so i've got very little pictures from Week 0 cuz Khairul keeps on saying he'll send the pictures online and yet he does'nt. BLEH. ANYWAY! I stole this pictures from Dauntless' friendster account and seriously, theres so many pictures of me in the profile. Lol. I know they're so proud to have this curly bastard girl in dauntless but the least they could do was to avoid making the other girls jealous, you know. LOL.

The VERY first day, can you spot me? HAHA. And so i realised that the first person i talked to was Allan cuz he was on my left. and Siew huey was on my right but i had so much difficulty trying to remember her name. Chinese name difficult to remember lah seh!!


12/21 from A7D3 with Khairul and Fang Ying. We all look so damn weird in this picture, I know. Haha. It was the morning of the third day. And seriously, we did'nt get to sleep at all the night before and somehow dauntless did'nt get to take a shower. Can you imagine how smellyy and sleepyy we were? All together now, YUCKS!!


Whats left of Dauntless, after most left. We were all still sleepy and smelly but we were very very happy, you know. (: And yes, I am in the picture k. You go find yourself where. haha.


The first-mates. (:


15/21 of A7D3, with khairul and fang ying AGAIN. They're like a part of us and we love them both too much we cannot bear to let them go, you know. haha. This was already in Week 1 actually, during the movie night. We were the second class with the most number of people to attend the event we won gold screen movie tickets of each and everyone of us. ((:



From LEFT: Zul, Jason, Don, Wei Hua & Haziq. (:
Taken just yesterday, during our first organic chem lab session. Seriously, these idiots were cam whoring like nobody's business. somehow my classmates get high when they have their lab coats on. can you imagine, zul and don were mass dancing during a lab session. '_'. And i really should have been part of this picture but the ever so lame haziq just had to shove to camera to me. And check out their expression lah. One look like mad scientist, one look like gay, one look like he's showing off his breast, one with her usual PEACE pose and the other one who seriously reminds me of Borat. LIKE how SICK. Cannot make it to the max, i know. But somehow i'm beginning to appreciate each and everyone of them for making me smile each day. (:

-this could me nothing, but i'm willing to give it a try.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
11:18 PM

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
6:51 AM

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
12:35 AM

Diyanah and Cynnthia, my two everyday eating partner. Seriously,without them, I would be more of the loner I already am. And thank god for the two same module the three of us have cuz it means I get to be with them during the two lectures. (:


NADIAH.

RADHEA.

BELO.

So I was browsing through some old pictures and look what i stumbled upon!

LOOK AT MY STRAIGHT HAIR! MY GOD I SO MISS IT! ):

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
6:10 AM

I wish i would stop pmsing so i would stop thinking so much so i won't have all this fucked up thoughts. You know i think i'm really dumb. like maybe i should dye my hair blonde cuz then everyone would understand. And from all this thoughts i have, i think i'm sick. i'm not right in the head and heart i swear. i feel sick. i am sick. of everything.

so i thought when i come to this place everything would be better cuz then i'll meet new people. but i think i've met too much people. okay that sounds dumb i know. i'm dumb, i told you so. and i hate how i over analyse things. mdm rubiah did teach me well you see. but now i think about things that dont matter at all. like seriously, why should i even bother? fuck, i cannot help it. i dont look for these thoughts, they come look for me. or rather they have always been inside me.

why is it everytime i try to be happy, everytime i THINK i'm happy enough,i hear a voice in me saying, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU KIDDING? i'm not trying to lie my happiness or sadness. i only wanna be happy. but i think theres a boundary, a line, a very thick line that separates my life with happiness. and the outcome of it is sad, you'll see why.

i can't help but think that the only reason why i'm feeling this way is, well, because recently, i've been hopelessly reaching out for this guy. who's out of this world, believe me.

and it gets oh so crazy. at first i didnt have much thoughts on it. but then i realise i dont get to see him much in school and like omg this is scary but i find myself hoping i would bump into him. just now i thought i saw him walking from the opposite direction. i was happy for once today i thought i could smile. he said hello when he walk pass the wall but the hello was not to me. and not from him either. some guy who really don't look like him. but i guess when u miss someone or when you really wanna meet a particular person, everyone looks like him and everything remind you of him. even this song on my blog reminds me of him. its scary is'nt it. but thats not the point.

the fucked up point is, sadly, why am i even having these feelings? and why is it affecting me to the max? my god i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of seeing that guy in em1 and meb lecture who would smile and smile and look like he's got something to say for 3 weeks now but still he hasnt said anything. i hate how i hardly can concentrate in lectures cuz i start thinking of what someone might be doing. i'm sick of reading our past msn conversations again and again, analysing what he said, trying to find out what he really mean. i'm sick of how fucking insincere everyone can get.

you know i wished i could scream at everyone who talked to me in school just now. i don't really hate everyone, i hate myself thats all. but telling myself and everyone that i hate myself is too depressing and potrays sucha low self esteem. so i'll stick with i hate everyone. cuz i really do.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
1:53 AM

To whom this may concern:

I miss how close we used to be. I feel the distance and it sucks. Now its as though we're just mutual friends, just smiling when we accidently bump into each other. Sometimes our smiles don't even seem sincere.

I hate having people just disappearing from my life. and i hope you won't be one of them.

I miss you, my dear friend.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
10:29 PM

I can't help it, I just so so so fucking love this song. I know i've put here quite some time ago, but this song is just oh so true. Exactly what i should be singing, if you know what i mean. (: and oh, you still dunno who someone is. HAHAHA.

Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end.

muchlovelovelovelovelovelove.

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
10:21 PM

This is dumb but I'm sad. I did'nt get to see someone in school. In fact I did'nt get to see someone eversince Friday lah! How sedih!! But you know what? I don't even know why I wanna see someone. I just wanna see someone's face. Maybe because someone made me smile. Maybe cuz someone is the only someone there is in applied science. Because of someone i'm happy i'm in chemical engineering. Someone told me to revise everyday. What someone does'nt know is that by the time i reach home from school, where i tried to see someone's face, i would be damn tired so i fall asleep. But i must always remember what someone said. Cause someone did'nt take amaths too. but someone survived. So i can also be like someone. Tomorrow would be a long day for me, so i hope i'll see someone, that would make me smile. when i see someone my knees go weak!! but i still act cool lah! how can i not act cool right!!

Don't ask me why and please don't anyhow assume who someone is. cuz no one knows who someone is. i know someone. someone knows me. so hello someone, say hello to me again okay!! amuse me!! you're weird and strange but you're still someone!!!!!! oh, someone, oh.

I'm saying this again! I'm so happy cause no one knows who's someone!!!!

(:

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
8:30 PM

I usually dread mondays cuz I start school at 9am and have engineering maths lect till 11am, mass and energy balance lecture for an hour till noon and then i would have engineering maths for two hours AGAIN, for tutorial. But yesterday Mark Tan, my engine maths teacher decided to cancel class cuz he figured we obviously wont have the time to finish the tutorial on time since there was no break anyway. Good right. I wish he would do it every week so school ends at noon for me on monday. But then again, we'll probably need to go for some make up lesson. But whatever. Anyway, my class decided to have lunch together again and boy, such sore.

When it comes to deciding where to have lunch, my classmates are annoyance at its best. Their fickle mindedness is crazy i wished i could kill them all and give the lions in the singapore zoo a huge feast. Seriously,imagine this. First we agreed on the usual Flavours but then SOME people said they hate that place cus of it smell and such. What kind of shit is that? So anyway we all made our way to Tampines mall and they went to every cheena shop trying to convince us that since there's pork, its halal. No no, they were trying to convince us that just as long as what we eat has not pork its halal. OH PLEASE. Just the smell of the shop was oh so disgusting. SO anyway, after almost what seemed an hour, the only 3 non chinese, myself, Zul and Haziq decided to go our separate ways.

So we decided to eat at BK. Haziq and Zul are hilarious I could have choked i tell you. Zul was telling us that he actually saw his first real ghost at the chalet he went over the weekend. And they somehow the three of us began talking about ghost in bright day light. haha. And then of course Haziq has to come up with all this anti climax stories. Those which started out really scary but u'lll end up laughing like a pig in the end. Nyeh. I'm so lucky to have them in my class, i know.

So we went our separate ways. I made my way back to school and it was only about 2 plus. Hence i sat down near as and did some engine maths like a loner. '_'. I went to Atiqah's Management lecture at 4pm and boy was it fun! Okay don't ask me why. But Atiqah should love me more cuz i sacrificed afternoon sleep just too meet her for the day! (:

And this is getting strange, you all! Why is everyone asking me whats my religion!? Like how Diy put it, do i look catholic to you people? HAHA. I mean if you ask me whats my race then yes i understand but whats my religion!?!? I don't look muslim to you?? Really, is there a muslim face? Lol. Someone said its the minah face but what the hell, minah does not signify muslim/islam you know. But part of me was glad cuz hey, at least i know i don't look like a minah!!! :D Its getting tiring, having to explain. Maybe i should add tudung into my going-to-school wadrobe. Or maybe i should wear the baju kurung on fridays??? HAHAHA. This is crazy, i swearrrrr!

Okay, school starts at 1pm and ends at 3pm tmr. LOVELY DAY OR WHAT!! But lesser hours in school means seeing less of the person/people i wanna see. ):

somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
8:23 PM

NuratiqaEsmerelda;
atique_*
4th December (:

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