Saturday, June 30, 2007
Rishi was being evil to me in siglap today. He made me cry and laugh at the same time. Its so unfair how he did it. I wanna be as evil as he is. I bet the satisfaction is like wooooshhh! The taxi driver was by far the fucking coolest apek I've ever met. He was driving and smoking at the fucking same time. And I'm like "where's the booze, dude!?". He stopped in the middle of the carpark to spit out of the window too. He's so fucking cool la omg.
Oh, how I love my siglap people. ((:
When I got home, I called my mum. I miss her soo much its not funny. We talked about stuff and I told her things I never thought I would. I always end up crying when I talk to her on the phone but I tried not to show. She made me realise things, about how man are just so fucking fucktards deep down inside, no matter how pious or nice or soft they are on the outside. I love my dad, I really really really do. I've always been a daddy's girls. I guess I loved him too much, till I totally forget about how my mum might feel. Things are different now. It hurts when all your life you think so highly about someone, you think the person's almost perfect; all your life. And then you take a few steps back, and you look at the situation from a different angle. It hurts when the person is'nt how you think he is. It hurts like hell when you realise how much he has hurt someone you love and would die for; your mum. And it hurts just as much when you realise that this person, is, well, your dad. But my mum's the strongest person on earth. I don't know how she stood firm on the ground after all these years. I really don't know. But she always say its for me and my brothers. Truthfully, I regret to have always been blaming her, in silence, for all the happenings. She really don't deserve it. I never thought events from 10 years ago would come back to hunt me now. And I have the images running in my mind, still. Sometimes I wish everything ended then. At least it would'nt drag till now. But it had'nt. And it hurts more now, than ever.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
2:54 AM
Friday, June 29, 2007
After 9826406 days of keeping things to myself, i finally let it out yesterday. I told my mum about it too. I feel better now, if not good. And thank God my mum understood where I was coming from. (:
i miss wayne. ):
I AM GOING TO SIGLAP NOW AND I'M SO VERY HAPPPY CAUSE I'M GOING TO MEET THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER TO ME AND CUZ WELL, SIGLAP IS JUST SO LOVELY!
OK right. I never thought I need you there when I cry. Do you see how much I need you right now?
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
5:41 PM
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
You fight about money, about me and my brothers. in a family potrait we looked pretty happy, we looked pretty normal. Lets play pretend that it comes naturally? Can we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better. Mommy, I’ll do anything. Daddy please don’t leave.Mom will be nicer. I’ll be so much better. I’ll tell my brothers. I won’t spill the milk at dinner. I’ll be so much better. I’ll do everything right. I’ll be your little girl forever. I’ll go to sleep at night.Daddy don’t leave. Turn around please. Remember that the night you left you took my shining star? & nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling. so tell me, where did I go wrong? i can put my arms around every boy i see but they only remind me of you. Cuz nothing compares to you. Nothing.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
9:42 PM
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
I'm trying have my head up high and smile. It gets harder each time but I'll keep on trying. Yeah, I'll keep on trying.I miss you, now.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
6:51 PM
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Do you know what it feels like to love someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
2:54 AM
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
You know how sometimes you feel so fucking hurt and yet you hold your head high and smile. (: the feeling sucks, i tell you. but i think i'll keep this whole thing about how much of a psycho i am to myself. it'll be too much for people to take. thinking about the future-what-ifs suck, cuz you actually built on hope without realising. and when you realise the what-ifs wont happen, thats when it all falls apart. you think you should'nt and don't care. but you know you do. and then you think of all the other bad things all over again, and you think you should just die. see, i'm so sick in the head and panadols just don't work. So what is it psychos do at this time of the morning? Talk to an imaginary friend, of course!!
Please leave something, for me and my imagination.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
2:58 AM
Monday, June 18, 2007
My head hurts so fuckingly bad and I can't fall asleep. My eyes are swollen from all the thinking. Thinking too much is a difficult habit to break. It has just grown into me. And its scary cuz these negative thoughts would eventually come through. I think there was wayyyyy too much contradiction and irony going on yesterday cuz suddenly, I remembered this moment:"Is the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Shoulda known better when you came around That you were gonna make me cry Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around Cause I know that you're living a lie"But all I did was to look you in the eye. Oh you were so right, I am living a lie. And should I mention -here I am, staying up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring. Oh, fuck off already.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
3:49 AM
Its so fucking scary how I can tell something bad's going to happen to me. Especially when I'm always so right. Its like I feel fucked up even before it happens. but why oh why do I feel worst when it does really happens. Like theres no fucking sense in that. I think I've endured this pain for tooo long. There's no sense in holding on to the hope cuz its so fucking obvious. She's just so much better in everyway. I'm not complaining, I know everyone's got their own gifts and such. I suppose she's got everything. But this is the final straw. I can't possibly be in love given the fuckin short period of time, so fuck that. but god, how I tried not to notice, just to avoid tears from flowing. and oh such irony, how you asked me whats wrong. how do you understand? oh how I try to avoid your eyes. don't get me wrong, I don't want you. But you proved just how much more superior she is. and that, was painful. I guess I'll have to get away from this place all together. I need to go.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
2:05 AM
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Incompatible, it don't matter thoughcuz someone's bound to hear my crySpeak out if you doYou're not easy to findIs it possible Mr. LoveableIs already in my life? Right in front of meOr maybe you're in disguiseWho doesn't long for someone to holdWho knows how to love you without being toldSomebody tell me why I'm on my ownIf there's a soulmate for everyoneHere we are again, circles never endHow do I find the perfect fitThere's enough for everyoneBut I'm still waiting in lineWho doesn't long for someone to holdWho knows how to love you without being toldSomebody tell me why I'm on my ownIf there's a soulmate for everyoneIf there's a soulmate for everyoneMost relationships seem so transitoryThey're all good but not the permanent oneWho doesn't long for someone to holdWho knows how to love you without being toldSomebody tell me why I'm on my ownIf there's a soulmate for everyoneWho doesn't long for someone to holdWho knows how to love you without being toldSomebody tell me why I'm on my ownIf there's a soulmate for everyoneIf there's a soulmate for everyone
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
12:23 AM
Saturday, June 16, 2007
(:
Atiqah woke me up twice today but I could'nt wake up. The second time, I promised myself I would wake up fifteen minutes later but I did'nt. Instead, I fell back deep into sleep and, I had a dream. In my dream, that person say she/he hates cats. HAHAHA. And even though I was in school in the dream, I was rushing back home cuz I have not bathed for the day. But I could'nt leave cuz someone left her/his bag with me. LOL. But I shall not mention anything more about the dream cuz I've heard that apparently, if you don't tell anyone what you dreamt about, then your dream will come true. But no, I'm not hoping for anything to happen or anything. I'm not telling cuz if I do, you'd be more convinced I'm not right in the head and that, does'nt work to my advantage.But I got to talk to MIRA and thank god, I managed to tell her exactly how insecure I feel. I'm impressed, I've actually let someone in. But MIRA's as sick in the head as me, and we're going thru pretty much the same situation so really, she's great. Thank god (=Met my girls - Atiqah, Feeza, Soyah & Nazura; rather unexpectedly. I was cheated. I did'nt know we'd be going to town and stuff. So I was dressed really down. Totally siglap-to-chill outfit and a super bare face but wtfh, I should'nt be complaining, should I? Camwhored like whores but I hate most of the pictures cuz I look fugly, i swear. But whatevrrrr. Went for lunch at Sakura @ CityHall, and then we wenta Marina square and i sawww the most mfing beautiful bag ever! I'm not going to say where HAHA cuz some idiot will end up buying it. Its limited edition, mind you. but its too much money for me to waste on, considering my peanut pay last month. but I'm getting the bag anyway, waste money or not! My father will be back later so yeay! Lol. And then we went to eat (again) at CCMW. I had the mango cheesecake, like FINALLY. Verdict? Not as nice as how it looks like, but still very yummeh! Afterwhich we met Yaya and Atiqah, Yaya and myself made our way to Siglap while the other 3 went hm. Yaya badly wanted ice cream so for some reason we went to Cartel. Yeah, a food place yet again. Atiqah and myself were fucking full by then but wtf. haha. And so radhea(: came to join us. And what else did we do but to talk about the past. The good past, where the innocence were lost. I know we all miss those days fucking much but theres nothing we can do about it, or so I realised. We walked to opera field and boy do I love that place. (: Along the way, I realised the 3 people I'm spending half my life with are exactly people my parents warned me about. HAHAHA. Inside joke, but not much of a joke afterall. You girls know I love you girls still, no matter what you bitches do!! ;) We had the usual under-the-starrrs-emoing-until-can-cry at the opera field. Well, at least I did. I hated every moment of it cuz all I think about is... the unevitable, the never happening.But somehow the green tea tasted bad. How come it tasted so good when I drank it from your bottle? BOO!
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
3:59 AM
Friday, June 15, 2007
This was the last song Wayne was producing before his sudden death. He never had a chance to finish the production, so a bunch of us got together to finish it and turn it into a tribute song :)This song is for FREE DISTRIBUTION and may be downloaded at www.myspace.com/astroninjaallstars for free and open distribution. LYRICS: When you walked away Nothing Left to say Never thought the end would be so near So runaway and hide The pain you feel inside Who ever thought the price would be so dear? And you say!
Baby, please believe me Oh please believe me, When I say that I'll see you again But now you have to go and I want you to know This is goodbye, this is goodbye Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, fare thee well Say goodbye Everyone you met All the ones you had Will never be the same without you hereSo f*ck all the cliches! We'll say them anyway There'll never be a day we won't believe And you say! Baby, please believe meOh please believe me,When I say that I'll see you againBut now you have to go and I want you to knowThis is goodbye, this is goodbyeGoodbye, goodbye, goodbye, fare thee wellSay goodbye.Don't let the words you say slip away Don't let the words you say fade away Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, fare thee wellSay goodbye.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
11:26 PM
Yeay, I'm finally back from KL. But then again, I did'nt even mention I was going. But whatever okay. IF I felt you're important enough I would have told you anyway. but thats if we happened to talk during the few days before I left. Well, if we did talk and I did'nt mention anything, it simply means you're unimportant. Okay, maybe not.Anyhow, the trip was a-ok. I got to see my mum!! (: And leaving her today was such a heart pain. ): So here i am again, alone and lonely in a house filled with cats. Even my cats have given up on me. They don't listen to me anymore. Sad is'nt it. I wanna stand under your umbrella. I hate home for one simple reason -my mum is'nt around. its not the same, you know. )):I thought I said once, that we should'nt meet the same people anymore. I know nothing's happening yet, but I feel this fear overwhelming me. Its dumb yes, but I can't stop myself from feeling, can I? And I've been hiding this fear of the uncertainty from everyone. I wish I can tell someone how I feel but I know you'll say I'm crazy. You might not tell me straight to my face, cuz you're afraid of hurting me. So you tell someone else, who is'nt supposed to know anything. But oh fuck you, you've just hurt me. Even when you think I don't know. You think, I don't know.I don't want to go on and on, on how fucked up I always HAVE to feel. So this is goodbye.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
3:39 AM
Sunday, June 10, 2007
If I open my heart to you,I'm hoping you'll show me what to do.And if you help to start anew,you know I'd be there for you till the end.Baby I will wait for you,cuz I don't know what else I can do.I'll be waiting.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
2:37 AM
Saturday, June 09, 2007
What happens in my head stays in my head. But sometimes it won't. What if you knew what I was thinking? Would it make you like WOHHHHH!Don't wanna risk putting my foot in it. So i'll keep my mouth closed.
Got to beep out what I really wanna shout.Woops! Did I say it out loud, did you find out?I wanna have your babies!Get serious like crazy.I wanna have your babies!I see them springing up like daisies.
Some of my feelings keep escaping,So I make it a joke.Nonchalant, I keep on faking.So my heart don't get broken.I'm in a big big big big ocean in a tiny little boat,Ill only put the idea out there-If I know its gonna float.
Trust me it would scare you if you knew what was going on in my brain.
Trust me it would scare you that I've picked out the place, all the schools AND all the names.
If you knew it was all about you;
Every wish, every candle every coin in a fountain.
Trust me it would scare you.
Oh well, what I say? Great day with my babies! And great time at BILLY's bar. Really, whoever Billy is. LOL. But then I got to see you. I was happy for a moment but after that I felt like fuck. Really, whats new? Boys just have that instant effect on you, don't they. They can make you feel excited and good for a minute and for the next, you feel like crying cuz you feel so fucking fucked up and you fucking miss him. Oh really, you can die now. I won't cry too much.
Maybe.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
3:11 AM
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to;
Cause I want to hold yours too.Like the usual Ping Yi child, I did'nt study for tomorrow's PIPC term test. Why? Cuz I fucking got no motivation. Even when those classmates say they're studying. In fact I think that kills all the motivation I ever had. I ought to be killed, I tell you.I feel oh so sleepy. I should to to bed with all the notes under my pillow and hope everything's up there by tomorrow, no? And I miss my mum so much. Thursday seems like a long time coming. I just wanna run away from everything. I wanna be free. I need to partyyyy. Thank god the paper's all only 1 hr each. I would choke and suffer and die a painful and slow death if i have to sit with those people for more than that. i cannot wait for thursday. god please bring thursday faster. its my only sweet escape. i should even get out of the country, i tell you. Batam maybe, for some peace and serenity. I've so many things i need and want to do. Come thursday, come thursday. come come come.I've been having all these crazy cravings lately, pizza hut's curry zazzle baked rice, bubble tea with lotsa pearls, someone(new), my mum, DONUTS! and yadah yadah AND not forgetting my mood swinging moments. uh-oh, i can tell what's coming real soon. Such bore. LOVE
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
11:30 PM
Saturday, June 02, 2007
And I feel like I'm living someone else's life.
I'm pretty convinced that at this point of time, I'm just about the loneliest person on earth. There's really just no one around. What else can I do? Indulge in panadols to stop the pain? Or just mother fucking stop it? Stop everything and make everyone else happay?
I don't want to go to school on Monday. No, please I don't want to wake up and go to a place where i'm all alone. I hate how so bloody narrow minded those people are. I tried talking to a classmate about it but omg she fucking hell bloody bitch ought to be shot i fucking swear. She did'nt even reply to what i was talking about and began talking about something stupig. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PEOPLE! TOO MUCH PIG'S FAT IN THE SYSTEM IS IT!?
And please, even though I don't really like the subjects I'm taking, I AM doing well okay. So don't come up with this BULL about how I'm not doing well and thats why yadah yadah yadah. But I don't really care either you know.
I've been keeping all the letters that I've wrote to you. Each one's a line or two; "I'm fine baby, how are you?". Well I would send them but I know that its just not enough. My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that.
Oh I miss you, you know.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
11:31 AM
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
1:58 AM
