Monday, January 31, 2005
k u dun have to read the ones written in pink cus they're kinda long.. (=
haha guess what,ms spa sperm jus called me.
cute siah she.
so she say she wont be coming tmr and another teacher coming.
haha.
so fun i swear.
the teacher would probarly get bullied.
haha.k not like i care anywayy..
ahah.so yeh.
schoool rawked i swear.
haha.k so had f&n with mdm rukshana
and yeh it was hell fun
we all keep on laughing cus of stupid jokes and all
and even rukshana was laughing.
she fun siaa.
she was like saying she dunno whether to laugh or scold
and well she laugh all the way
ahha.and we gossiped.
about miss fatimah
hha.that oold crap gave us like sec 1 assignment to do
and only taught us how to cook chicken balls
haha so yeh.
oh yeh mira me zhirong and nic something so mean
haha.k shall not say laa.
so yeh.and zhiong gave me the fillstones doll.
so cute haha.so yeh
i hang it on my bag (=
haha like act cute seh
ahha k wateverr.
so yeh.will be having tuition laterr.
mummy wenna to a funeral of her best fwen's mum
kinda sad so yeh
he best friend since she was like my age siaah.
so yeh
so sweet huh.
ahaa.ok so after sch
i sat down with azhar n yaya
hha cute man yaya
miss her.
and oh yeh got new romour
azhar and radhea!
haha k so cute ah
ahaha. sorray dhea,if u reading this.
dont get mad.
remember u love me.
haha k so yeh
and azhar was crapping like how he got cpf
stupid siaah u wont gettit until like after ur ns u work!
no now u work den got cpf.
ahha.crap noe heee...
haha so yeh den wenna bedok.
was waiting for my mum
she took like 88 years to arrive
hehs so yeh
den while i was waiting i saw this super duper superrr cute guy!
haha.dammit ah.he was gorgeous can
haha so yeh.
well den he met his fren den they left
den mummay came
wenna pay bills
den when goin back i met mai add iqa
like iqa looked at me but never smile or wat
like yeh
watever laa.
not like i give 3 shits right.
ahah.so yeh.
den wenna home and mummay wena out and yeh
here i am.
hehs.k so yeh.i am so bored.dunno why i blogged that way either.haha.mm so yeh.
i hate him.i wish he can shuttup can yeh jus shuttup stop making stories can?i mean go fuck her for all icare.u and ur hge ego.so what if i started everything?like as if u didnt do anything.fuck off laa.why disturb me?u have that bitch right enuff la.u think u can fool me? please laa.i wont ever believe in ur sweet lies ever again.people wanna believe ur stories well its their problem.i noe they're all lies.fuck off la.dun crap about howmuch u care.grrrrrrrr.its not possible to love 2 person at one time k? do u get it? get it into your head k?i hate u so much i wish u'll die.so yeh.jus go die k? fuck off loser.FUCK off! i loved him not you.how could be so mean? BLEAH!
[esmerelda of sorrows]
i was FINALLY getting over you,believing we were through.i even had crushes other than you.i was walking with my head up high,thinking that i was'nt gonna fall.then you had to lie to me and go ruin it all.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
5:24 PM
Sunday, January 30, 2005
it hurts knowing therefore i choose not to noe. the feeling doesn't hurt physically but emotionally, it's seeps through ur veins like a poison. why do i keep on saying sorry when i didn't do anything wrong? saying sorry for all of the mistakes i didn't do. i HATE U! how could u be so heartless. wat do u think i am? who do u think i am? am ijust person that passed through ur life? an object? it shows so much. i don't evne know wha tis happening to me. an dYOU! who do u think i am? ur maid? aren't i supposed ot be happy now? i noe u're not int he right state but pls cut me som slack will u. u choose everything for me including my happiness. do u noe that it's torture to me? no u dun. u think everything is so perfect and that i'm having so much fun in life and tha ti only think aboutmyself well pls if u could live a day as me, u'd noe whow hurt i am or how much pain and confusion i go through everyday.
u don't know anything. do u evne noe me? u noe the me that i show to ppl but deep inside, u don't noe me at all. u don't know what i go through. do u noe that because of u. i dun tell anyone how i feel. i am scared of rejection and i am not confident about everything? u scare me and though u tell me that everything will be fine and that just try my best and that i cna do watever i want, u shatter my dreams. right in front of my face. someone that i could rely on. how do u think i feel? u told me i could be everything that i dream it was all bullshit wasn't it. go away! do u know i hide in my room and cry? do u know that i remember all ur words? no u don't. soplease. u don't know nuts about me. do u noe i'm crying right now? no..
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.
k so thats so my position.haha.yesterday i had a dream of him.and funneh thing,ive been having the same dream for quite some time but i havent told anyone about it.its just so..strange.and impossible.in a way i wish it would happen cus i really wanna know what he said but the dream always end right before that part.i just dont get it.i need to telll someone about it but hey no one would understand.at least i dont think anyone would.hehs.i am in excrutiating pain i swear.i just can make it on my own.its haunting me,the past.i know that its wrong and yet i just cant help it.k maybe my brain's trying to joke.hello up there,im not amused in any way! grrr.bleah.i miss my friends.haha.k so tmr's school and i have my frigging uition.my tuition teacher should realise how much boredness he gives me man.grrrr.he ,if not any other person have the abiity to kill me with his not doing anyhing.i mean,i have to stare at him for like 2 freaking hours hello? cant anybody understand my sorrow? k enough said.
so yesterday helped samir cleaned up his room and hell him now my rooms messy.bastard siah he i swear.haha.so yeh.i hate everything.ahha.k watever. love ya all.lovables!
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
3:13 PM
my love for you,seems quite not right.
today was hell shit.like nothing happen.haha.time just flew by like dat.haha.but i did study la.k at least i didnt slacked all day.haha.k so nabil went like fishing yesterday night and return home like at ten in the morning and he pathetically onlay brought home like 2 fishes and a crab.haha.and the fishes are like tiny winy.not that it matters anyway.my mum throwed the fishes which was kinda bad.nabil shouldnt have caught then anywayy.but he made her cook the crab and ate.ya,like one crab.how pathetic can he get right?but yeea who cares.i wont eat it for nuts.jus dun seem right.haha.i jus wont eat anything i saw uncooked.like if i see a chicken uncooked,i wont eat it when its already cook.its too painful.k ya im crazy u're right.but i can help feeling pity.maybe i should get vegetarian.k tat sounds sick la.haha.like so weird.um so yeh.
school was like fun,slacking and yet studying.haha.like we keep on getting scolding by teachers.we as in 302.they jus wont accpet our crapiness.not like we rude or what siaah.grrr.so yeh.i mean teachers actually had a conference on um wednesdae jus to discuss about our class.aand esp jeeva.like he didnt come to sch tat day but came later at 2:30 with his parents and he had to attend the conference.poor boy i say.he's like my crap partner in maths class.he's not rude or wat.he jus loves to disturb people.haha.same hobby i guess.and we always disturb pein tiong! haha.bastard i swear.haha.so yeh.and miss teo actually made our class stay back for like freaking 35 mins jus to hear he babbling about complains from other teachers.not like we care.haha.and she made like 11 of us including me to stay for and extra 15 mins to hear her babble at us,her way of reminding us to bring our health booklets the next day.but it did work.haha.after hearing her babling and if anyone like still never bring tat prson is really something.ahha.incredible.cus i wenna call my mum on my way home and ank her to remind me to bring the book the next day.aha.so yeaa.miss teo is really someting,she had no sense of huumour at all.she neever laugh at anything enough to make me pee on my pants.she's just so strange.but i wouldnt want another bio teacher for the world.her teaching is really something.its goes into my head.and the bio test we had was easy i can say.cus i actually studied.haha.i mean,it was on cells.i cant possibly let myself fail that right..
k so its that time of the month where i hate being a girl.haha.k so yeh.there's so much fun happening in school haha but mostly secrets between me and mice.haha.that girl,she rawks laa.hha.we're still into the backstabbing buisness.kinda bad but who cares.ok so whoever reading this dont worry we wont backstab you haha.we only do it to a bitch who kinda ruined everything.well cant name her but u pple probarly noe her anywya.who cares.haha.i feel so bad siah but dammit how did she feel when she did all those things?so yeh.ok so on friday yaya was showing me farhan dhea shalu a fight between keith and some sec 4 guy.keith like haha gay siaah.he practically didnt fight back too weak i guess but he raised his feet for like a second but he didnt get to like kick the guy or wat.but if u see his leg raising,its so funneh.farhan and i keep on replaying and we were like lufting our socks out.haha.oh yeh was recorded on azhar's hp btw.like the whole fight only laster 10 seconds or so.aha.lame.so yea.i hfta say ive got some reallay great friends around me.people like atiqa dhea shalu yaya mice farhan alif and ya alot more who make me laugh everyday.thanks people.i thought that my world would tumble when rezza left but hey ive so much other loveables in my life why boher about one who want to let go of?
ok so that was kinda long but really,i would want to write more but i jus dunno who would wanna read anything.so yeh.haha.so ya.love you peeps.shmuckx.bye loveables!!
I am so in love
I am so in hate
I just can’t comprehend it
You get me so high
You get me so low
I can't show what I’m feelin
Never was the type
To let someone like
You get under my skin
Tried like hell
But you don't care for real
You stepped on my feelings
See I love to love you boy
And I love to hate you
But I got to let you know
I'm a have to let you go
Love to feel the love
Love to heal from pain
Is there really a difference
Wonder who is right
Wonder who is wrong
I'm just feelin some tension
You can't compromise
We can't coincide
We should really be chillin
Cause I've wasted so much time
Love is on the line
I've made my decision
It's useless to try and work things out
Don't need all of the stress
You’re not worth it
I’m tired of all the ups and downs
So goodbye I'm leavin
Made up my mind .
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
1:11 AM
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
[ fuck it. ]
dammit.i am super bored.my head hurts.i mean,seriously.not trying to escape anything.i really does hurts k.and my back too.and the best part is i'll hav tuition later.wat the fuck siah.like 8pm till 10pm.no point sleeping now.i'll be too tired to wake up later and i'll be in a grumpy mood.i hate myself when it happens but yeh watever i hate people around me more like anytime man.and i'm so hungry.got home my mum had ashtma.however u spell it.so yeh no food.to tired to get out also.u noe what i reallay need now? coca cola.haha.k no.i noe what i really need. a phone call saying my fucking tuitoon's cancelled.k sorry tuition.that would be the greatest man.i swear.but i doubt so.he cancelled it on monday.today cant be possibly cancelled right.dammit.i dont care.i want it cancelled.bleah.not like i dun wnat to study its that its so inconvinient.i mean it starts at eight.and its at my granny's house.fuck la.i use to hav tution like at 3 plus in da afternoon.i love it then.cus i hav more time to study at night and also sleep and rest. but now?what shit can i do? time is a luxury i dun have.and yeh sleep is something i really need right now.but dammit. yea and u all be like then what are u doing on the computer then? fuck laa i dun think i hav homework.but hav chem test tmr.now that suc.dammit.grrrrrrgh.i have alot to say acutally.but i guess i'll stop here.i got no mood. so yeh.
its pms laa. ((=
esmerelda of sorrows]]
cus u left me here
but i'll pick up the pieces of my shattered heart
any try to love again
somehow,i'm jus so sure i will never love again .
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
4:54 PM
Sunday, January 23, 2005
here's a poem.i feel so depressed.dammit.
If you see me walking down the street
And I start to cry each time we meet
Walk on by, walk on by
Make believe
That you don't see the tears
Just let me grieve
In private 'cause each time I see you
I break down and cry
I just can't get over losing you
And so if I seem broken and blue
Walk on by, walk on by
Foolish pride
Is all that I have left
So let me hide
The tears and the sadness you gave me
When you said goodbye
Walk on by
is there a way,i can make you see,how much u mean to me?
esmerelda of sorrows .
cus yyou left me here all alone.
mum,stop pissing me off.
you dun trust me den watever
i dun care k.
just shuttup.
or i'll die soon.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
8:49 PM
[one last]
I never could imagine, life without you
From the moment you walked into my world
Never knew how long a loving flame could burn
But losing you has forced me to learn
That we can't change the way we feel inside
And every try at love never turns out right
We both know it's better if we just let it go
So let's have
One last kiss
One last touch
One last tender moment between us
One last dance
To our first song
While pretending there's nothing wrong
Let's stay here for awhile and
Cherish every moment we're in denial
We both know
Its better if we just let it go
Everytime I try to take a stand at all
I see your face again and I fall
In the middle of the night there's the scent of a rose
The smell of your perfume I suppose
But we can't change the way we feel inside
And every try at love never turns out right
We both know it's better if we just let it go
So let's have
One last kiss
One last touch
One last tender moment between us
One last dance
To our first song
While pretending there's nothing wrong
Let's stay here for awhile and
Cherish every moment we're in denial
We both know
Its better if we just let it go
Baby if we met each other under a different sky
Maybe then things would be much better between you and I
We could always hold on to this one special thing we share
But it would be too much for us to bear
So let's have
One last kiss
One last touch
One last tender moment between us
One last dance
To our first song
While pretending there's nothing wrong
Let's stay here for awhile and
Cherish every moment we're in denial
We both know
Its better if we just let it go
We both know
It's better if we just let it go
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
7:02 PM
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Is she the reason you don't call me like you use to?
Fall through my Hood like you use to?
Or put it on me hard like you use to do?
I see in my mind about what's going on
But my heart won't let me go until I know
Is she the reason my calls didn't reach you?
The deepest of my love couldn't please you?
Or Seeing her falling for your charm
Got me feeling like I wasn't good enough
See I know we not official
But us being official was never an issue
It came down to us
Boy remember we were different
We said we'd talk
If we ever had any problems about anything
I was cool with no commitment
Let me take that back
It was you, so I was with it
Guess I didn't get it
When you showed you didn't missed me
Now it seems that your interest’s not here
And we are different
All you had to say was this is'nt what you want
I wouldn't be so hurt and I could have just moved on
You had me believing,everything was my fault
But I can see now
It's a situation where I must let go
Cause you were never a man to let me know
I guess me seeing you with her
Said it all
And I thought 150104` was meant to be
Now I know the misery it brought me
But still I wish you'll see ,
What your love meant to me .
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
10:06 PM
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
ok so ya.finnaally got my internet connection.um.i cabut school today.too lazy to go anyway.haha. anyhow only siah me...but i got to skipped lit and chem and most important-MALAY!! i fucking didnt do my compo.oh welps.i'll die.so yesterday was ttoo busy to blog.jus bloged that shit.but hey its true sial.so yea.
i hate school man.people there can spread news like so fast.haha.espciallay untrue news.wats with those pple?uh anyway LIONAL LEWIS is so HOT!!!haha.he rawks man.and so is ryan cabrera.i think he should jus leave ashlee and come to me and dhea and shalu and atiqa.ahhaha.k crap.ok so i jus called dhea and it tuns out that atiqa sistaa and fana also never come sch.hahaha.wat a day.
this year onlay i made friends with a few people.aha.k la.not like i went up to them and like can we be friends?its like i jus started talking to them.ahah.nice.especiallay ahmad.tat lamer.ahah.he one of the best jokers ive ever met i swearr.haha.it was like i him shalu and alif were talkking and laughing like siao over racist thing and he started to hold his u-noe-wat everytime he laugh.hahaha.cus he needed to pee.ahahha.lamerr.and then christopher.he damn cute siall. gosh are all christopherrs cute? haaha.i guess so.and then we were talking at central bus stop B tat day,waiting for yaya's bus.and i started talking to him.and i was like too bad ur not christopher lee and he was saying his mum's sir name is lee.haha.and blah blah blah.then we went to bedok and he went home.ahah.he hot siah.haha.and he's nice too.so yea.and blah blah.
my auntie and cousin are coming to my house tonight! k like they're coming home woth my dad.i miss my cousin siaah. she was in russia and all.miss her miss her miss her.haha.k crap.ok so yesterday was like shit.
i was talking to ita online and i told her wat mice told me.and then my nick was -almost a year and yet not forgotten- and she told fana and fana was scared i get hurt.i HATE it when people use me as an excuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i mean so what if im not over him????it has happened before and its happening again.fuck off la.arrrrrrgh.fuck off la.u all can just go fuck rezza k.i dun care anymore.u can go and fuck all the buttefliees la.dun give me this shit like ur afraid i'll get hurt or wat k.dun act like u care pls.jus fuck it off.
ok so i've got tuition la.later at 8.now tat pisses me of.cus like at EIGHT!!! arrrrrrrrrrrgh.and will end at TEN.why is everything pissing me of? k shall update later maybe.if i have got the mood.
(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still I love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still I love with you
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
5:30 PM
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Global Personality Test Results |
Stability (60%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion (66%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
|
trait snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
8:07 PM
Monday, January 03, 2005
Mengapa dulu kau cinta
Mengapa kini kau siksa
Sengaja mencari alasan
Menyakiti hatiku
Mengapakah ku merindu
Mengapa hati merayu
Mungkinkah kerna ku terlupa
Aku pernah terluka
Kita dah berpisah
Terpisah dalam cinta
Kenapa,mengapa
Ini semua terjadi
Hampalah bunga cinta
Kasihku pun melara
Hilanglah,asmara
Yang kita lafazkan dahulu
Hilanglah serinya
--------------------------------------
Tergamaknya kau tinggalkan
Kau biarkan hidupku sepi
Mengapa sayang mengapa katakan
Dahulu hanya diriku
Kau berikan pengharapan
Ku serah cinta yang sepi
Pernah ku ragui
Kiniku rayu memujuk hatimu
Tidakku terdaya
Lantaran berulang kali kau kata kebencian hatimu
Mengapa sayang beginikah akhirnya
Apakah ini suratan takdir
Suka duka kita dalam nafas cinta berdua
Insanku sayang kini menghilang
Musnahlah sudah harapan cinta selamanya
Tidakkah kau ingat dulu
kenangan bersama
Indah cinta yang kau beri
Bersaksi rembulan
Ku sangka engkau setia
Rupanya engkau berpura-pura
Setelah kasih ku serah
Diriku kau tinggalkan
---------------------------------------------------------
haha.thinking about him and me.those jiwang days with him.i swear i was so jiwang then.haha.memories.shussh,i guess shutta get some sleep. (=
[esmerelda]
[ 150104 - 220904 ] -and so it ended .
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
11:02 PM
Dah lama tak berjumpa
Rindu rasa hati
Inginku bertemu denganmu
Biarpun hati ini
Menyatakan benci
Namun hakikat
Kau masihku sayang
Mengapa kita berjumpa
Dan mengapa kita bercinta
Niat hatiku nak kekal lama
Hidup denganmu wahai kasih
Niat hatiku tak nak berpisah
Apakan daya jodoh tiada
Kenangan demi kenangan
Menjelma diingatan
Sukarnya melupakan dirimu
Rintihan demi rintihan
Menyeksakan hidupku
Aku derita... keranamu
Oh kekasih
Sungguh tidakku sangka
Akhirnya begini
Sebuah ikatan asmara
Engkau yang aku sayang
Yang aku kasihi
Mungkinkah bersatu kembali
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
9:50 PM
ok so todays suppose to be fun but it sucked in every way.
school was killing me.
first thing in the morning mrs woo caught me for my hair.
wat crap man that old shit.
she spoiled my day that dog.
and then class was fucking boring.
302 sux i swear.
ms teo is ok.
but my classmates..
suck.
english was ok.
but the teacher is jus liike me,talk lotsa crap.
heh tats ok.
and then recess.
i feel so lame.
like there's no one to talk to.
only me and shalu.
wasnt even in the mood for some maggot with cheese time.
and f&n suck to the core.
had to sit with fana and feeza.
i felt arkward.
like i dun feel belong to them anymore.
neither do i feel belonged to the shalu atiqa farhan dhea alif gang.
and then i was walking home and i met him.
i mean why god,out of all the days why meet him today??
looking in his eyes,i still feel it.
i still believe in his stupid butterfly with sugar lies.
and went home.
thinked about life.
i started crying.
why oh god,why am i not over him?
what did i do,mistake so great,that cause me to jus cant get over him?
ooh,wait,i noe,i trusted and loved him too much.
thats' why.
rezza,if onlay you can see,how much pain you're causing.
it makes me wanna rot and die.
god please,it hurts.
[esmerelda of sorrows]
haunted by the past.
sorrows from yesterdays.
pain to much to bear.
no love can ever change;
the dreadful feeling in me.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
5:44 PM
Sunday, January 02, 2005
[song]since you've been gone-kelly clarkson
ok.so Diyana deen is in maldives and its submerged.oh god.and i thought no one i know was hit by the disaster.this is scary man.she's missing.or uncontactable?oh god.please save her.she's sucha a sweet.maybe they'll announce it in sch tmr.so i hope they'll not pay attention on things tat should not be coloured in me.whah.k crap.
so tmr's sch.and i havent done a zillion things.grrrr.k fuck off.father just left.will miss im.tmr nabil's going to kl.k good!! hahas.so tmr meeting farhan and shalu and dhea at 7 at central busstop b. grr hope i wont be late siah.aaaxs.
well so yea.may all the tsunamis victim goes to heaven.umph yea.i feel so lucky.singapore's spared with so much safety.erm yeh k.shall watch tv now as i iron my clothes.hope i will wake up on time tmr!!!! (=
love kisses fairydust prayers,
[esmerelda]
-may diyana deen be safe.shall hug her tmr if she happens to be in school! k shussh.gd nite!
grrrr.singapore lost over myanmaar!! great shit.
somebody save me;
i'm not crazy or anything.
9:35 PM
