I wish i would stop pmsing so i would stop thinking so much so i won't have all this fucked up thoughts. You know i think i'm really dumb. like maybe i should dye my hair blonde cuz then everyone would understand. And from all this thoughts i have, i think i'm sick. i'm not right in the head and heart i swear. i feel sick. i am sick. of everything.
so i thought when i come to this place everything would be better cuz then i'll meet new people. but i think i've met too much people. okay that sounds dumb i know. i'm dumb, i told you so. and i hate how i over analyse things. mdm rubiah did teach me well you see. but now i think about things that dont matter at all. like seriously, why should i even bother? fuck, i cannot help it. i dont look for these thoughts, they come look for me. or rather they have always been inside me.
why is it everytime i try to be happy, everytime i THINK i'm happy enough,i hear a voice in me saying, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU KIDDING? i'm not trying to lie my happiness or sadness. i only wanna be happy. but i think theres a boundary, a line, a very thick line that separates my life with happiness. and the outcome of it is sad, you'll see why.
i can't help but think that the only reason why i'm feeling this way is, well, because recently, i've been hopelessly reaching out for this guy. who's out of this world, believe me.
and it gets oh so crazy. at first i didnt have much thoughts on it. but then i realise i dont get to see him much in school and like omg this is scary but i find myself hoping i would bump into him. just now i thought i saw him walking from the opposite direction. i was happy for once today i thought i could smile. he said hello when he walk pass the wall but the hello was not to me. and not from him either. some guy who really don't look like him. but i guess when u miss someone or when you really wanna meet a particular person, everyone looks like him and everything remind you of him. even this song on my blog reminds me of him. its scary is'nt it. but thats not the point.
the fucked up point is, sadly, why am i even having these feelings? and why is it affecting me to the max? my god i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of seeing that guy in em1 and meb lecture who would smile and smile and look like he's got something to say for 3 weeks now but still he hasnt said anything. i hate how i hardly can concentrate in lectures cuz i start thinking of what someone might be doing. i'm sick of reading our past msn conversations again and again, analysing what he said, trying to find out what he really mean. i'm sick of how fucking insincere everyone can get.
you know i wished i could scream at everyone who talked to me in school just now. i don't really hate everyone, i hate myself thats all. but telling myself and everyone that i hate myself is too depressing and potrays sucha low self esteem. so i'll stick with i hate everyone. cuz i really do.
