the dae that i die

2008-07-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

Tell me all your thoughts on God.

Cuz I really would like to meet him.

Ask him why we are who we are.

Tell me all your thoughts on God.

Cuz I'm on my way to see him.

So tell me am I very far now?

2008-07-03T02:21:00.000-07:00

Happy 18th Birthday XP

2008-06-15T00:18:00.001-07:00

Stinking piece of joke :)

2008-05-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

I may never find all the answers

I may never understand why

I may never prove

What I know to be true

But I know that I still have to try

2008-05-01T04:50:00.000-07:00

"You're young, you're drunk, you have knives....shit happens..."

2008-04-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

Why indian boys damn cute!?!!

WHY YOU TELL ME WHY.

2008-04-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

And the award for the best liar goes to you

How about a round of applause

A standing ovation

Curtain's finally closing

That was quite a show

Very entertaining

But it's over now

Go on and take a bow

2008-03-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

My mind runs wilder than reality really is.

2008-03-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

But how can that be?

Cause life is good.

Life is just fucking good.

2008-03-04T01:17:00.000-08:00

I think I should just fucking give up.

2008-03-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

I am giving up on making passes and

I am giving up on half empty glassess and

I am giving up on greener grasses.

I am giving up.

2008-02-29T23:58:00.000-08:00

"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

2008-02-28T00:51:00.000-08:00

If you have love,

you don't need to have anything else.

& if you don't have it,

it doesn't matter much what else you have.

2008-02-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

Thoughts become things.

Or dreams?

Sometimes, just by seeing someone in your dreams -

puts a smile across your face.

2008-02-25T00:52:00.000-08:00

I think I love myself a lil bit too much.

2008-02-24T02:55:00.000-08:00

So I know I'd probably be labelled a bitch for typing this out but you know I don't really care because yes I do think I am a bitch but thats alright because you should have known better than be a stupid idiot for doing what you did and making me be the bitch I really am.

Firstly you're being so fucking childish when you replied me with that smses you did. And mind you I mean every fucking thing I said in it. Wow its amazing how you get so pissed when I speak whats on my mind without even trying, WITHOUT TRYING to offend you. What? You can't take it already? Why? Sounds too true for you? Aiyo you're damn childish leh. And I thought you'd be more matured than anyone else because you know HAHA okay maybe not. And I think you're seriously yellow-bellied but then again you failed today so awwww too bad. LOL. Your attempts of sarcasm (yes its spelt SARCASM) really don't work. Aiya why I even bother right I also donch know lor. Like you said I was never your best friend so like wtf you want to act sadsxz like as if I was the one who wanted to create the drama then okay lor. I think people find it entertaining when I'm associated in a conflict because I supposed its more fun? HAHAHA okay its alright I really get it. :)

So right now lets keep it this way. I'm THE ONE who didn't inform you about the cancelled plans because I don't like to reply msges at 8am in the morning while I'm still sleeping? and oh its okay if someone else also didn't reply because they didn't reply anymore and offend you after that. HAHAHA. loser kapee. and yeah too bad no one told you we cancelled because in fact I did inform a particular someone about it last night. Shouldn't you be annoyed with her too cuz she didn't tell you? Oh no! Cuz you just want to make sure I tell you about it. Don't know why me but yeah I was responsible for telling you about it. No, your best friend of 10 years couldn't do the telling. You just still need to hear it from me. And what happened when I didn't bother replying your msg because I assumed your best friend of 10 years would have told you about it? Oh I get nothing actually. HAHA. I just get fucked up attitude at a party but its okay you know because I really did enjoyed myself even without you talking to me. :D Yeah I know I'm mean but its true. I'm just being honest here and oh i feel so good about this. See how much of a bitch I am? Like OMG she said that to her friend? Yeah I'm probably too kurang ajar for you to befriend me. Its okay you know. Really.

You know the only reason why I'm typing this is because I feel hot inside from the party and I can't sleep. And the "yous" in this entry is meant for a lot of different people so if you think you're the one then you're probably right. Then maybe you should go jump down 10 storeys high and not die. Because I'd rather you suffer HAHAHAHA and die a painful death that would be awesome and then maybe I'd love you a whole lot more then. HEEHEE.

Nadiah's & Alif's 18th was a blast! :)

2008-02-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

Tell Daddy I'm still his little girl.

2008-01-29T12:11:00.001-08:00

I couldn't act like you,

but I can love like you do.

Between us there is something,

I can't explain it to you.

if only you knew..

2008-01-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

Semester exams' timetable out and honestly, I can't wait to get it over and done with. Trying to catch up with time is not easy though. Especially when there's so many things to remember and the mind's not accepting much more fact because there's nothing in there but you.

2008-01-18T02:18:00.000-08:00

And that even the biggest failure,

even the worst most intractable mistake,

beats the hell out of not trying.

I just want you close.

2008-01-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

If I could find you now,

things would get better.

we could leave this town,

and run forever.

2008-01-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

2008-01-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

High and dry.

& when i loose myself;

I think of you.

2007-12-30T04:45:00.000-08:00

2007.

Seriously the best and worst year in my life so far.

Briefly:

First paycheck.

Coffee Club; love.

Surprisingly good Olevel results.

Chemical engineering.

WAYNE's Death ):

He came back; Mum left.

Confusion.

The fucking shit I went through.

Months of sleepless nights.

Paranoia, Depression, Imsonia.

Withdrawal from Chemical Engineering.

Regret?

SINGfest. ((:

More shit.

More sleepless nights.

More paranoid. More depressed. No sleep.

Not going home for 3 days straight just for fun. (:

KL with mummy or Spore with him (and everything/everyone loved).

Confusion.

Business Process & Systems Engineering. (:

School = love.

Miss my mum much.

Sleepovers.

6th nov.

Amara hotel.

2 of my cousins' wedding. (:

Mum/Dad.

Confusion.

4th Dec. (:

KL trip ((:

& all the new people I've met who are totally amazing.

2007-12-20T04:43:00.000-08:00

You make me smile;

even for just a while.

2007-12-13T23:52:00.000-08:00

When I was young, I made myself believe that they're just playing a trick on my brothers and me. I imagined them laughing so hard because they got us so well. I believed that one fine sunday morning, I'd wake up to a normal family. I'd wake up to something I'd always wanted. Sometimes I convince myself well but other days I questioned how long they planned to play the trick.

And then I remember how I never dared to sing the complete version of the Barney theme song. Only because it goes, "we are happy family". I used to either pause at that moment or say it soft enough only for my ears to hear. I don't know why but I guess I learnt at a young age what happiness is. I thought I'd get scolded to even talk or sing about it. Other times I just don't want to be in denial.

You know they say everything will come to an end and one day the sun will shine for us. I'm just wondering that maybe certain things are meant to be broken. It started out broken and will remain broken. No matter how good you are at covering up, how you fake the laughter, how you try to maintain peace.

Some things remain broken;

whether you like it or not.

& that is the part of yourself nobody can ever heal.

2007-12-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not calling for a second chance,

I'm screaming at the top of my voice.

Give me reason but don't give me choice.

Cos I'll just make the same mistake again.

And maybe someday we will meet,

and maybe talk and not just speak.

Don't buy the promises because,

there are no promises I keep,

and my reflection troubles me,

so here I go.

2007-12-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

You, you never looked so good;

as you did last night.

& I swear you looked right through me.

2007-12-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

The way you feel and the kind of things your think about at a certain time of the month is just so unbelievable. Believe me, I have the previous entry as a proof. And from the past months too. Haha.

Things are bound to get shitty. Its just the way life is. Can't change that so we all have to deal with it well. Change our attitude towards it. Sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is inevitable.

I've been through this far and I'm convinced I can take in more, just to feel. It surely do hurt inside but I guess I've learnt to conceal that. Life is good; it really is. We just don't know how to play it well.

I just haven't found out how to stop wishing that we can go back to the past, to the times where we were so young. Back when we all could live as

o n e.

2007-12-04T23:22:00.000-08:00

When you finally realize you don't matter to someone;

you start to wonder if you matter to anyone.

unwilling solitude.

I'm starting to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what exactly is wrong. Maybe like something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know.

Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?

I don't know the answer, I only know that I can't. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am seventeen and I am already exhausted.

I hate this feeling but I'm falling apart once again.

2007-11-27T21:49:00.000-08:00

The things people want most cause them the most suffering.

2007-11-17T23:01:00.000-08:00

-.is.the.fucking.sex.

2007-11-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

If I could wish one thing;

I'd hear you call my name.

2007-11-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

Its in the moment of hardship where you truly realise who your real friends are and how lucky you are to have them.

& I am so very grateful of the god sent friends who loves me and wants the best for me. I have never felt so blessed.

Life is good... oh, life is so very good.

2007-11-06T23:19:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Bestfriend!

I love you! [:

2007-10-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

And I'm afraid I need my baby

I'm afraid he doesn't know it yet.

Someday I will tell him maybe;

It's been like this since I don't know when.

2007-10-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's easier to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, and barely getting by. But that feeling's a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you, and make it all okay, because we all need a little help sometimes.

Someone to help us hear the music in the world,

to remind us that it won't always be this way.

That someone is out there;

and that someone will find you.

2007-10-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

I know you'll never be the boy I always you wanted to be

I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am

I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you

I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do

2007-10-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

I've waited for too long.

A new beginning,

a reason to believe in.

Back to school in 4 days!

I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down

Just to keep you around

Cuz the day that you realize how amazing you are

You're gonna leave me

2007-10-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that person was too afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...

for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid.

Afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.

But everytime we tell a lie;

the thing we fear grows stronger.

2007-10-13T02:05:00.000-07:00

Change;

we don’t like it, we fear it,

but we can't stop it from coming.

We either adapt to change

or we get left behind.

And it hurts to grow,

anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying.

But here's the truth:

the more things change,

the more they stay the same.

And sometimes change is good.

Oh, sometimes, change is....

everything.

2007-10-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

Meredith: [to George] What are you doing with Olivia? You're letting her think you're emotionally available. You're letting her think she has a chance. And there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't.

2007-10-04T12:36:00.000-07:00

When the rain is pouring down

And my heart is hurting

You will always be around

This I know for certain

2007-09-30T16:44:00.000-07:00

Hello [:

My name is Nur Atiqah.

I am too young to worry.

I was born on the 4th of December &

that makes me a sagittarian.

& at one point of my life,

giving up seemed like the only option.

But I decided to be strong,

I believed and had faith.

It wasn't easy, believe me.

& thank God,

I didn't do anything too stupid.

Because now, the worst is over.

And finally, life is looking better.

"I want to fall in love with You".

2007-09-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

There's a time in everyone's life where all you can see is the years passing by. & I have made up my mind that those days are gone.

I've found that you find great strength in your moments of weakness.

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong.

2007-09-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

2007-09-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I had to bring Milo in cuz of some annoying reasons. So instead of sleeping at our outside balcony, he now sleeps with me in my room! :D

Of course my other kpo and annoying cats are jealous and they want to come into my room so bad too but too bad luh. HAHA. But anyway I think they didn't realise he was sleeping so peacefully in my room the whole night until recently I heard Mas pushing my room door and he started meow-talking HAHAHA so cute. Its like he's trying to say something but everything comes out as the meowy sound.

I started laughing so bad hahaha and he just continued luh.

Sigh my cats are getting more humanly its scary.

2007-09-22T01:54:00.000-07:00

Maybe if you're still within reach, things would be different.

Cause then you'll see my heart is in the saddest state it has ever been.

You'll dry my tears and make me laugh again.

I know you would.

You've done it times and times before.

While everyone else told me to smile,

you seem to be the only one who understands that I really can't.

You agreed with me when I wanted you too

and you told me off when I needed it.

Sigh.

Just that I never had a friend who seem to listen to me so well.

No one ever said the words you said,

the words I need to hear.

And it was such a miracle how I opened up to you so easily.

I've never been good with words;

at least not the ones which describes how I exactly feel inside.

But you could figure them out somehow.

I just wish I can find someone else right now,

who can be the friend you were to me.

But it scares me so much now,

why do everyone I know fades away in the end?

It scares me so fucking much now,

I've been so low for so fucking long.

And theres no one.

No one.

Sure I've got friends who care to listen sometimes.

But somehow I could tell all of those I've tried to talk to,

get so fucking tired of talking to me.

But you never were.

When I felt so fucking shitty I just had to message you.

And even though I didn't try to make it obvious,

you always knew I was falling apart.

And I never did have to call you.

You always called me all at the right moment.

You had your issues,

and I tried so hard to understand.

I don't know, maybe I just wasn't a good listener to you.

Maybe you thought I never really cared.

Sure, I can never be the person you were to me.

But I truly cared.

You still ask me if I'm okay whenever we meet.

I guess I should be thankful for that.

But each time, I'm forced to lie.

I tell you I'm good and sometimes I add in a fake smile.

I guess you think I'm fine.

I guess you think its all over.

Its not,

and it hurts me more now than ever.

Do you know I still feel so much pain?

Everyday I tell myself I want to change my life.

I make plans with my friends

and I enjoy my day.

But when its time to go home,

I feel like I should just die there and then.

All I really want is to talk to someone who really cares.

All I really want is to know someone is always there -for real, not for say.

All I want is for these tears to stop flowing without me realising.

All I want is to be able to sleep at night.

All I really want is to be happy

.All I want is to be loved.

Am I asking for too much?

2007-09-17T04:05:00.000-07:00

Who knows how to love you,

without being told?

2007-09-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

If only time could take away,

the truth that lies beneath this pain.

It brings me back to what I'd hope for this to be.

But here and now,

I'm on my own.

I've lost the will to carry on,

please shine a light to guide me home.

Will you take me from this place I call,

my home -its forever broken.

I have nothing in this heart at all,

this life seems meaningless, unspoken.

Words can't convey,

I'll move on anyway,

I can't hide behind what I don't know.

Have I lost it all?

If only time could take away,

all the fights, the will to save.

What was left behind,

you know I tried,

I tried to save this fate

But here and now,

I'm on my own

For I have walked this road alone,

I gave my best to let this fall

2007-09-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

looking at the reflections of myself

without a mirror i see someone else

your laughing at me cuz you don't see my soul

you think the smile i wear says i'm happy,

but you don't really know.

everydays a fight

soon i'll have no tears left here to cry

jump to the words i speak

when will somebody hear me?

i'm talking, i'm pleading i need you to understand me

i'm screaming at the top of my lungs its so hard (can't you hear me)

hear my lonely cry (i need somone to love me)

hear my lonely cry (ooh)

why can't you hear me?

i'm catching tear drops

when i hear the phone ring

i wanna say so bad whats really wrong,

whats hurting me.

im latching out im breaking down

feels like my lifes crashed in around me

when i hear in the words i speak

can you help me?

sometimes i wish i could sleep

cuz when i sleep my life is so much better

so busy trying to please

be what you want me to be

i dream when someone is gonna take care of me?

2007-09-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

More than anything,

I want to see you boy.

2007-09-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

How did I get here with you, i'll never know

I never meant to let it get so, personal

After all I tried to do, stay away from loving you

I'm broken hearted, I can't let you know

And I won't let it show

You won't see me cry

2007-09-08T02:01:00.000-07:00

Life can take your dreams and turn them upside down. Friends will talk about you when you're not around. Reality can really cut you down to size. People make you promises they'll never keep. Soon you'll know why people say talk is cheap. And life resembles on big compromise.

Some where down the line you'll face the judgement day. When the angels look at you, what will you say? They've got a way of knowing who qualifies. Keep on shining, keep on smiling. Don't lose faith and don't lose heart. When you're crying, just keep trying to remind yourself.

You're a shining star.

Yes you are.

2007-09-07T01:18:00.000-07:00

You don't have to stay forever,

no, I don't need/want you that much.

Its just that nights like this,

nights like this;

when I feel soooo fucking lonely,

when I need someone else to think for me,

when I really really do need someone to tell me what has to be done,

when I need someone to laugh at,

when I need someone to cry to,

when I need direction,

when I need the reassurance that my life is still worth it,

when I need that care and concern,

when I need to know someone's with me.

That's when I need you.

2007-09-06T04:37:00.000-07:00

The days I wish I would've slept,
the things I wish I could've kept.
The times I wish that I'd had fun,
the things I wish I'd never done.

The days I just sat and cried,
because of all the things I only tried to do,
because of all the thing I only tried to say.

The moment that I heard you cry,
I wanted you to know;
I wanted to hold you,
I wanted to make it go away.
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, alright.

2007-09-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

I just wish there was so much more

About me and you

2007-09-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

What was he feeling? See, I never knew. Was he in pain? Was he suffering? All I knew was I needed his love, I needed him to hold me so I wouldn't be so afraid.

He was afraid of love.

He couldn't give it and he couldn't receive it either.
Not letting ourselves be loved -because we're too afraid of giving ourselves to someone we might lose.

Everybody's going to die.

But most people don't believe it.

Just imagine a little bird on your shoulder. And everyday you say "Is this the day I'm going to die, little bird? Am I ready? Am I living the life I wanna live? Am I the person I want to be? ".

If we can accept the fact that we can die at anytime, we lead our lives differently.
So, everyday you say, "Is this the day?".

The tension of opposites.

"Life pulling you back and fourth like a rubberband. Pull you one way you think thats what you wanna do. Pull you another way, you think thats what you have to do."

Sounds like a wrestling match. So who wins?

"Love. Love always wins."

We think we don't deserve love. That when we let it in, we become soft. We just don't ever realise, love is the only rational thing.

"Love is the only rational thing."

Let it come in.

2007-08-05T23:26:00.000-07:00

http://butterfly-lies.livejournal.com/

(:

2007-08-03T05:28:00.000-07:00

If anyone even noticed, i have'nt been blogging too properly in a very long time. and i hate how most of my past entries turn out to be so so so bloody emotional. i tried blogging of happy days but i never did include the late night conversations and tears. i'm just so fucking tired of how each entry shows the insecurity, shame, guilt and confusion i feel inside. i don't know why everything is falling in my life. i don't know why shits happen all the fucking time. i don't know why and how i fake the smiles. i don't know where i found the every strength to say "i'm okay" when i really am not. i don't know why. i really don't. i try, oh how i try to reach out. i did tell a few people of the situation i'm in. i did let a few people in. i'm happy i actually have a few people in this world, who actually wants to listen to the pain i'm going thru, the (very) few who make me feel comfortable enough to shed tears during conversations. but sometimes i feel as though they really don't want to listen. i feel like i'm disturbing them with my smses and calls. i guess they'd rather be talking to someone else and seriously, my gut feelings never wrong. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for being such an ass all the time. i'm sorry for always telling you how fucked up i feel. i'm sorry for always hoping you'd make me feel better. i'm sorry for being so difficult all the time.i just don't know what i want right now. i'm lost, confused and damaged at best. i really dunno what to do.ok you know what, shut up.

i don't know i bothered typing this at all. scram.

2007-08-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I found out

That I don't really matter to anyone, anymore.

i'm nobody.
i'm just a girl who died while she was still living.

2007-08-02T15:35:00.000-07:00

does your life have meaning?
how do you know that your life has meaning?
what do they mean when they say "my life has meaning"?
how do you find meaning?
will meaning find you?
do you just listen to your heart?
how does your heart communicate with you?
does your heart know how to find meaning?
who knows how to find meaning?

We must never make our parents sad,
even if this means giving up everything that makes us happy.

2007-07-25T04:17:00.000-07:00

If there's one person in this world I wish I can understand, he would be my father. Because I really don't understand his every action. But I love him like how I loved him when I was a kid, still.

If there's one person in this world I wish I can be as strong as, she would be my mother. Because I think she's incredibly patient. You'd be amazed to realise that the strongest people on earth, are our mothers.

If there's one person in this world I wish I can change, she would be me. I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know why I always get hurt. I don't know how pain satifies me. and, I don't see how going away would solve everything. But I'm going, anyway.

If there's one moment I wish I can capture and carry on forever, it would be impossible. Because there's so many memories I don't want to ever forget.

My four bestfriends and all the people close, I love. They don't know how much the mean to me. They don't know that I remember every little thing they say. Some good, some bad. I analyse every word used; I really cannot help that. But I remember, I remember. I remember every word you say.

As cliche as it may sound, people come and go. But just so you know, if you were ever there whenever I needed someone to talk to, if you were ever there to listen to my cries, if you were ever there to tell me to be strong, if you were ever there to hold me tight, if you were ever there to make me smile or laugh when I could'nt, if you were ever there for a certain phase in my life or if you were ever there to make me cry.

And if I never ever did thank you. If I never ever told you that I love you. Here's to you, whoever you are. You make me feel blessed. Thank you. (:

You, can never ever be replaced.
xx

2007-07-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair.

2007-07-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'll always remember the late afternoon.

But everybody's got something,
they have to leave behind.

I've finally found the strength to leave this place, leave this unspoken pain and inferiority behind.

I'm leaving, everyone.
I'm leaving.

I'm going away, way away.
Where your love won't matter too much.

Should'nt matter, anymore.

But I'd rather;
you take me away.

2007-07-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

How can I say that I'll be okay?
When I'm unsure of it myself.

And that it hurts, only when I'm breathing.
My heart only breaks when it's beating.
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming.

I wanna run to you.
Won't you hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm?
I wanna run to you.
But if I come to you,
tell me, will you stay?
Or will you run away?

The things I'll never say.

2007-07-20T05:06:00.000-07:00

This is fucking frustrating.

Don't ask me if that's the problem. Go straight to the point. I can tell there's something you want to find out.

Somehow you know exactly whats going on but you'e denying it. You don't want to believe its true. Why?

Its not like your heart's at stake here. It never was. You're very close to perfect, you know. Just ask everyone else, they'll tell you.

Sincerely, I don't know why I'm still here even.

When I have my withdrawal issues done, I'll be free.

I'll go somewhere no one will find me.
I'll be free, wishing you'd be around.
We'd be isolated, but not alone.

All these feelings, these yesterday's feelings.

light in your eyes

2007-07-19T02:12:00.000-07:00

Brilliant disguise, when you hold me and I'm free.

I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude:
Sometimes the distance is more than what two people can use.

Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me?
Was I wrong to believe in your melody?
There's a light in your eyes;
did you leave that light burning for me?

Is there a chance, in hell or heaven.
That there's something here to build on.
Do you just pick up the pieces, after they fall?

Should I keep on waiting;
or does love keeps on fading away?

Its been a while since I see you so, how have you been?
Did you get my letter I wrote you -but I did not send.

I tried to call your number.
But the voice that I heard on the phone;
I recognized but he told me the number was wrong.

And I need you now tonight,
and I need you more than ever.
And if you'd only hold me tight,
we'd be holding on forever.

And we'll only be making it right;
cuz we'll never be wrong together.
We can take it to the end of the line,
your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.

I really need you tonight.
Forever's gonna start tonight//

2007-07-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

I almost died today.

Almost.

And I did the most horrible thing again, I fell alsleep while watching HarryPotter.

Somebody!

Anybody!

SHOOT ME!

& it all depends on tomorrow.
Just one more day.
One more day.

2007-07-18T04:16:00.000-07:00

The meaning of being lonely, anybody?

This is it. This is the end.

Or so i thought.

2007-07-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well if you know the situation so well, if you think you know whats going on, why don't you tell it straight to my face? It won't matter so much if I deny it, would it? Just let me know you know whats going on, let me know so I won't go on living in self denial. Let me know, let the pain seep in faster. Just let me know.

I wish you'd stop pretending. Cuz I know you know whats going on. We've been keeping everyone and ourselves in the dark for far too long and I wish it would come to an end soon.

please?

inferiority complex.

2007-07-16T03:39:00.000-07:00

In tears, so close to giving up.

I feel all alone.

2007-07-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

I hate everything.

Everything.

2007-07-10T01:33:00.000-07:00

And so I talked to Mark Tan, my engine maths teacher and he was all so nice about it. But I still feel so bloody bad and guilty. I need to talk to my careperson, LimTengKuan about it soon. Like maybe tomorrow? ):

I want to get out of that place so terribly but yet I feel so so so so fucking guilty.

I feel so fucking vulnerable. Like am I going to regret this later? Or is this really what I should be doing? I really don't know. My mum understands me fully but I really don't know how to break it to my dad. Like I wonder what he's going to say? But then again is'nt that too obvious to preach?

And I certainly don't know how I'm going to survive another say, 9 or 10 months without studying. I really want to study. Even now. But when I look at my books and stuffs, it just make me cry, all the freaking time.

Everyday in school, I hear myself from deep down inside; "What am I doing here? I don't belong here." Boy, does that hurt. And even though I've always been a dreamer, when I stepped into the school; I stopped thinking about the future totally. Cuz I don't see myself in the future doing anything close to it. Never, ever.

I guess I got to be strong about this. Afterall, is'nt that what chasing your dreams is all about?

I can't wait for the weekend. ):

2007-07-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know why;
but when I look in your eyes
I feel something that seems so right
You've got yours I've got mine
I think I'm loosing my mind
Cuz I shouldn't feel this way
Catch me I'm falling for you
And I don't know what to do

How can something so wrong?
Feel so right all along
Catch me I'm falling for you

How can time be so wrong
For love to come along?
Catch me I'm falling you

How can love let it go;
When it has no place to go?
And I can't go along pretending
That love isn't here to stay
Catch me I'm falling for you.

2007-07-09T01:27:00.000-07:00

We'll find a place where the sun still shines.

2007-07-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

Fucking hell, I'm so annoyed.

Seems like I can never ever run away from these sorrows uh. And please don't tell me I should solve it, not run away from it. Cuz really, there's nothing left to be solved.

I waited so fucking long for this days but you're just not here; still.

Why do the God hate me so much?

2007-07-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

Cause nothing else, nothing else hurts this bad. And I'm getting all sick and tired of laughing and smiling when I really don't mean it.

Oh how I try, to be just okay.

2007-07-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

I need to change;

1)My eye colour
2)My hair colour
3)My course of study
4)ME

I'm going to do 1) and 2) tomorrow hopefully. But 3) and 4)? I really don't know. ):

Anyway, to all the people in the world who claims that they hate liars, well you really should hate me. (: Cuz I'm a compulsive liar. But I don't really care either. So too bad you fucktards, whoever you people may be. But anyway, met Surya at work today and after cashing out our checks, we went to ParkwayParade to meet Michelle who was there shopping with her school mates. She passed Surya some stuff. Went to CoffeeBean to talk about stuff. Omg surya's damn hilarious lah please! We were talking about Rizal almost all the way. Haha that boy is too cute. And its just so fucking funny how she talks to him like he's her bf and all. when she already have a bf. she made me laugh so bad la omg. I LOVE!

And then I went to work and omfg I swear Penly look damn good in his manager suit. LOL. YEAY! PENLY'S MANAGER NOW PEOPLE! I LOVE! AND CHARLES POURED 4 CUPS OF ICE RAMBUTAN ONTO ME LA OMGGGGG. HAHAHAHAHA. and charles is just so good when it comes to annoying the shit out of me. lol. and I managed to get Amri, Rizal and myself share a mud pie! LOL. I'm just so smart la omg. And Rizal is so lame la please. He claimed he could SMELL mudpie from station 4 thats why he came into the kitchen. LOL. I swear CCSG is super love. Plus I'm probably doing closing with Amri, Rizal and Mira next Saturday! I SO CANNOT WAIT. My FIRST TIME doing closing after so long of working. HEEHEE. (=

So you see today I skipped school again and I spent my day with people of love from ccsg and look how happy I was. (= (: (= (: (=

Plus I've been locking myself in my room so how wonderful can life get. HUHU. Except tmr I'll have to go to school and oh, that actually hurts. ): BUT I'm meeting MIRA and we're probably going to watch Transformers!! ((:

2007-07-04T03:40:00.000-07:00

I never thought things would get any worse from the past few days. but I was so wrong. so so so wrong. And you have absolutely no fucking idea how much it hurts. No idea at all. Its not only the constant hurt at the back of my head; which the doctor described as tension headaches but did not give any medication for, btw. Now I can also feel my heart hurting. Like physically hurting. I feel like theres something pushing my heart back that I have to inhale really really deep to breathe. and it hurts. it hurts so bad. I've never felt so much pain before. Never ever.

You know how sometimes you think of something but you keep the idea and thought away cuz you don't think its real or you don't want to believe it cuz you know you fucking hell won't be able to take it if its true? So you seriously keep it way inside and sometimes the idea doesnt even appear anymore. But then you talked to someone and the person could come with the same fucking idea. And when you talked to others about how you can't believe the person could have the same thought too; they confessed to you that they had the fucking same idea too. Coincidence? I don't think so. I really don't think so.

And for the fucking first time someone told me that my - is a hypocrite and I could fucking agreed with him. I did'nt feel angry or upset or anything. Cuz its fucking true la omg.

I don't know to put anything else into words. But I guess, I've got to give another day in school a go. I wish there's someone to talk to. But its 3 in the morning and every sane person out there is sleeping or have something really important to do and so there's no one to talk to. But then atleast I feel alone at home cuz there's really noooo one here. How about feeling alone in school, when there's a million other people? fucking psycho uh.

I heard crying your hearts out can make you feel better. But what do you do when you just cannot cry anymore? Tell what do you do, when it all falls apart? I took pills to make me sleep. But goodness gracious no, its not working. it hurts more la omg. I'm losing every reason to smile like I mean it.

I don't want love to destroy me, like what it did to my family.

2007-07-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

I hate school so so so so much I swear I'm very open to the idea of going over to KL and stay and settle with my mum. ): The thought of leaving everyone and everything here hurts so bad.

My heads starting to hurt real bad again and I'm very sleepy but I feel so guilty cuz I've got some engineering maths to do. BUT I FUCKING DON'T CARE EITHER. URGH FUCK IT LA OKAYYYY. but I DON'T!!

2007-07-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like laughing. HAHAHAHA. I'm actually studying! HOW MF COOL IS THAT. And omg did I mention I got into APPLIED SCIENCE CLUB SUB COM! Which means next year I can run for PRESIDENT! HOW MF UNCOOL IS THAT! I mean really, president of school of applied SCIENCE anyone? OH, such bore. And if I go for the camp, I'd have to miss deafcon which is so sedih please? Okay can.

YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING? MY DAD IS COMING BACK TODAY AND I SENSE A SHITTY DAY TMR. OH FUCK IT. AT LEAST I'LL BE AT WORK TILL 7PM. BUT ARGH THIS SUCK LA PLEASE. ):

but now I've got a totally new genre to emo with. OLDIES! LOL. OMG really, the lyrics are just so fucking beautiful lah. Like the on my blog now. Plus the music's nice!! HAHAHA OMG I'M SO SO SO WEIRD, I KNOW.

Every day I wake up, then I start to break up. Lonely is a man without love. Every day I start out, then I cry my heart out. Lonely is a man without love! I cannot face this world that's fallen down on me. So, if you see my ~~girl~~boy please send ~~her~~him home to me. Tell ~~her~~him about my heart that's slowly dying. Say I can't stop myself from crying.
-a man without love by Engelbert Humperdink

HAHAHA. OMG I AM SO GOING CRAZY. LIKE WHOOOSHHH! AND I SO CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS FRIDAY! MY MUM'S COMING BACK FOR 3 DAYS! YEAHHOOOO. (:

Okay I'm going to do more partial fraction now. BOOHOO ):

BYE!

2007-07-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was at work and was very sleepy until some people spoke about their clubbing experiences! OMG I got bloody excited can. So I told Dhea about it and she got all excited too. And since our other 2 bestfriends are too short, we shall go first la!

Okay right whatever this entry was for. Shit I'm super late for work. AND ITS JULY ALREADY!! 7% GST Y'ALL!

BYE.

2007-06-30T02:54:00.000-07:00

Rishi was being evil to me in siglap today. He made me cry and laugh at the same time. Its so unfair how he did it. I wanna be as evil as he is. I bet the satisfaction is like wooooshhh! The taxi driver was by far the fucking coolest apek I've ever met. He was driving and smoking at the fucking same time. And I'm like "where's the booze, dude!?". He stopped in the middle of the carpark to spit out of the window too. He's so fucking cool la omg.

Oh, how I love my siglap people. ((:

When I got home, I called my mum. I miss her soo much its not funny. We talked about stuff and I told her things I never thought I would. I always end up crying when I talk to her on the phone but I tried not to show. She made me realise things, about how man are just so fucking fucktards deep down inside, no matter how pious or nice or soft they are on the outside. I love my dad, I really really really do. I've always been a daddy's girls. I guess I loved him too much, till I totally forget about how my mum might feel. Things are different now. It hurts when all your life you think so highly about someone, you think the person's almost perfect; all your life.

And then you take a few steps back, and you look at the situation from a different angle. It hurts when the person is'nt how you think he is. It hurts like hell when you realise how much he has hurt someone you love and would die for; your mum. And it hurts just as much when you realise that this person, is, well, your dad. But my mum's the strongest person on earth. I don't know how she stood firm on the ground after all these years. I really don't know. But she always say its for me and my brothers. Truthfully, I regret to have always been blaming her, in silence, for all the happenings. She really don't deserve it. I never thought events from 10 years ago would come back to hunt me now. And I have the images running in my mind, still. Sometimes I wish everything ended then. At least it would'nt drag till now. But it had'nt.

And it hurts more now, than ever.

2007-06-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

After 9826406 days of keeping things to myself, i finally let it out yesterday. I told my mum about it too. I feel better now, if not good. And thank God my mum understood where I was coming from. (:

i miss wayne. ):

I AM GOING TO SIGLAP NOW AND I'M SO VERY HAPPPY CAUSE I'M GOING TO MEET THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER TO ME AND CUZ WELL, SIGLAP IS JUST SO LOVELY!

OK right.

I never thought I need you there when I cry.
Do you see how much I need you right now?

2007-06-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

You fight about money, about me and my brothers. in a family potrait we looked pretty happy, we looked pretty normal. Lets play pretend that it comes naturally? Can we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better. Mommy, I’ll do anything. Daddy please don’t leave.

Mom will be nicer. I’ll be so much better. I’ll tell my brothers. I won’t spill the milk at dinner. I’ll be so much better. I’ll do everything right. I’ll be your little girl forever. I’ll go to sleep at night.

Daddy don’t leave. Turn around please. Remember that the night you left you took my shining star?

& nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling.

so tell me, where did I go wrong? i can put my arms around every boy i see but they only remind me of you. Cuz nothing compares to you. Nothing.

2007-06-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm trying have my head up high and smile. It gets harder each time but I'll keep on trying. Yeah, I'll keep on trying.

I miss you, now.

2007-06-21T02:54:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it feels like to love someone that's in a rush to throw you away?

2007-06-19T02:58:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes you feel so fucking hurt and yet you hold your head high and smile. (: the feeling sucks, i tell you. but i think i'll keep this whole thing about how much of a psycho i am to myself. it'll be too much for people to take.

thinking about the future-what-ifs suck, cuz you actually built on hope without realising. and when you realise the what-ifs wont happen, thats when it all falls apart. you think you should'nt and don't care. but you know you do. and then you think of all the other bad things all over again, and you think you should just die. see, i'm so sick in the head and panadols just don't work.

So what is it psychos do at this time of the morning? Talk to an imaginary friend, of course!!

Please leave something, for me and my imagination.

2007-06-18T03:49:00.000-07:00

My head hurts so fuckingly bad and I can't fall asleep. My eyes are swollen from all the thinking. Thinking too much is a difficult habit to break. It has just grown into me. And its scary cuz these negative thoughts would eventually come through.

I think there was wayyyyy too much contradiction and irony going on yesterday cuz suddenly, I remembered this moment:

"Is the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Shoulda known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
Cause I know that you're living a lie"

But all I did was to look you in the eye. Oh you were so right, I am living a lie.

And should I mention -here I am, staying up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring.

Oh, fuck off already.

2007-06-18T02:05:00.000-07:00

Its so fucking scary how I can tell something bad's going to happen to me. Especially when I'm always so right. Its like I feel fucked up even before it happens. but why oh why do I feel worst when it does really happens. Like theres no fucking sense in that.

I think I've endured this pain for tooo long. There's no sense in holding on to the hope cuz its so fucking obvious. She's just so much better in everyway. I'm not complaining, I know everyone's got their own gifts and such. I suppose she's got everything. But this is the final straw. I can't possibly be in love given the fuckin short period of time, so fuck that. but god, how I tried not to notice, just to avoid tears from flowing.

and oh such irony, how you asked me whats wrong. how do you understand? oh how I try to avoid your eyes. don't get me wrong, I don't want you. But you proved just how much more superior she is. and that, was painful.

I guess I'll have to get away from this place all together.

I need to go.

2007-06-17T00:23:00.000-07:00

Incompatible, it don't matter though
cuz someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

2007-06-16T03:59:00.000-07:00

(:

Atiqah woke me up twice today but I could'nt wake up. The second time, I promised myself I would wake up fifteen minutes later but I did'nt. Instead, I fell back deep into sleep and, I had a dream.

In my dream, that person say she/he hates cats. HAHAHA. And even though I was in school in the dream, I was rushing back home cuz I have not bathed for the day. But I could'nt leave cuz someone left her/his bag with me. LOL. But I shall not mention anything more about the dream cuz I've heard that apparently, if you don't tell anyone what you dreamt about, then your dream will come true. But no, I'm not hoping for anything to happen or anything. I'm not telling cuz if I do, you'd be more convinced I'm not right in the head and that, does'nt work to my advantage.

But I got to talk to MIRA and thank god, I managed to tell her exactly how insecure I feel. I'm impressed, I've actually let someone in. But MIRA's as sick in the head as me, and we're going thru pretty much the same situation so really, she's great. Thank god (=

Met my girls - Atiqah, Feeza, Soyah & Nazura; rather unexpectedly. I was cheated. I did'nt know we'd be going to town and stuff. So I was dressed really down. Totally siglap-to-chill outfit and a super bare face but wtfh, I should'nt be complaining, should I? Camwhored like whores but I hate most of the pictures cuz I look fugly, i swear. But whatevrrrr.

Went for lunch at Sakura @ CityHall, and then we wenta Marina square and i sawww the most mfing beautiful bag ever! I'm not going to say where HAHA cuz some idiot will end up buying it. Its limited edition, mind you. but its too much money for me to waste on, considering my peanut pay last month. but I'm getting the bag anyway, waste money or not! My father will be back later so yeay! Lol. And then we went to eat (again) at CCMW. I had the mango cheesecake, like FINALLY. Verdict? Not as nice as how it looks like, but still very yummeh! Afterwhich we met Yaya and Atiqah, Yaya and myself made our way to Siglap while the other 3 went hm.

Yaya badly wanted ice cream so for some reason we went to Cartel. Yeah, a food place yet again. Atiqah and myself were fucking full by then but wtf. haha. And so radhea(: came to join us. And what else did we do but to talk about the past. The good past, where the innocence were lost. I know we all miss those days fucking much but theres nothing we can do about it, or so I realised. We walked to opera field and boy do I love that place. (: Along the way, I realised the 3 people I'm spending half my life with are exactly people my parents warned me about. HAHAHA. Inside joke, but not much of a joke afterall. You girls know I love you girls still, no matter what you bitches do!! ;) We had the usual under-the-starrrs-emoing-until-can-cry at the opera field. Well, at least I did. I hated every moment of it cuz all I think about is... the unevitable, the never happening.

But somehow the green tea tasted bad. How come it tasted so good when I drank it from your bottle?

BOO!

2007-06-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

This was the last song Wayne was producing before his sudden death. He never had a chance to finish the production, so a bunch of us got together to finish it and turn it into a tribute song :)

This song is for FREE DISTRIBUTION and may be downloaded at www.myspace.com/astroninjaallstars for free and open distribution.

LYRICS:

When you walked away
Nothing Left to say
Never thought the end would be so near

So runaway and hide
The pain you feel inside
Who ever thought the price would be so dear? And you say!

Baby, please believe me
Oh please believe me,
When I say that I'll see you again
But now you have to go and I want you to know
This is goodbye, this is goodbye

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, fare thee well
Say goodbye

Everyone you met
All the ones you had
Will never be the same without you here

So f*ck all the cliches!
We'll say them anyway
There'll never be a day we won't believe
And you say!

Baby, please believe me
Oh please believe me,
When I say that I'll see you again
But now you have to go and I want you to know
This is goodbye, this is goodbye

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, fare thee well
Say goodbye.

Don't let the words you say slip away
Don't let the words you say fade away

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, fare thee well
Say goodbye.

2007-06-15T03:39:00.000-07:00

Yeay, I'm finally back from KL. But then again, I did'nt even mention I was going. But whatever okay. IF I felt you're important enough I would have told you anyway. but thats if we happened to talk during the few days before I left. Well, if we did talk and I did'nt mention anything, it simply means you're unimportant. Okay, maybe not.

Anyhow, the trip was a-ok. I got to see my mum!! (: And leaving her today was such a heart pain. ): So here i am again, alone and lonely in a house filled with cats. Even my cats have given up on me. They don't listen to me anymore. Sad is'nt it. I wanna stand under your umbrella. I hate home for one simple reason -my mum is'nt around. its not the same, you know. )):

I thought I said once, that we should'nt meet the same people anymore. I know nothing's happening yet, but I feel this fear overwhelming me. Its dumb yes, but I can't stop myself from feeling, can I? And I've been hiding this fear of the uncertainty from everyone. I wish I can tell someone how I feel but I know you'll say I'm crazy. You might not tell me straight to my face, cuz you're afraid of hurting me. So you tell someone else, who is'nt supposed to know anything. But oh fuck you, you've just hurt me. Even when you think I don't know. You think, I don't know.

I don't want to go on and on, on how fucked up I always HAVE to feel. So this is goodbye.

2007-06-10T02:37:00.000-07:00

If I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do.
And if you help to start anew,
you know I'd be there for you till the end.

Baby I will wait for you,
cuz I don't know what else I can do.

I'll be waiting.

2007-06-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

What happens in my head stays in my head.
But sometimes it won't.
What if you knew what I was thinking?
Would it make you like WOHHHHH!
Don't wanna risk putting my foot in it.
So i'll keep my mouth closed.

Got to beep out what I really wanna shout.
Woops! Did I say it out loud, did you find out?
I wanna have your babies!
Get serious like crazy.
I wanna have your babies!
I see them springing up like daisies.

Some of my feelings keep escaping,
So I make it a joke.
Nonchalant, I keep on faking.
So my heart don't get broken.
I'm in a big big big big ocean in a tiny little boat,
Ill only put the idea out there
-If I know its gonna float.

Trust me it would scare you if you knew what was going on in my brain.
Trust me it would scare you that I've picked out the place, all the schools AND all the names.
If you knew it was all about you;
Every wish, every candle every coin in a fountain.
Trust me it would scare you.

Oh well, what I say? Great day with my babies! And great time at BILLY's bar. Really, whoever Billy is. LOL. But then I got to see you. I was happy for a moment but after that I felt like fuck. Really, whats new? Boys just have that instant effect on you, don't they. They can make you feel excited and good for a minute and for the next, you feel like crying cuz you feel so fucking fucked up and you fucking miss him. Oh really, you can die now. I won't cry too much.

Maybe.

2007-06-03T23:30:00.000-07:00

Yes you can hold my hand if u want to;
Cause I want to hold yours too.

Like the usual Ping Yi child, I did'nt study for tomorrow's PIPC term test. Why? Cuz I fucking got no motivation. Even when those classmates say they're studying. In fact I think that kills all the motivation I ever had. I ought to be killed, I tell you.

I feel oh so sleepy. I should to to bed with all the notes under my pillow and hope everything's up there by tomorrow, no? And I miss my mum so much. Thursday seems like a long time coming. I just wanna run away from everything. I wanna be free. I need to partyyyy. Thank god the paper's all only 1 hr each. I would choke and suffer and die a painful and slow death if i have to sit with those people for more than that.

i cannot wait for thursday. god please bring thursday faster. its my only sweet escape. i should even get out of the country, i tell you. Batam maybe, for some peace and serenity. I've so many things i need and want to do. Come thursday, come thursday. come come come.

I've been having all these crazy cravings lately, pizza hut's curry zazzle baked rice, bubble tea with lotsa pearls, someone(new), my mum, DONUTS! and yadah yadah AND not forgetting my mood swinging moments. uh-oh, i can tell what's coming real soon. Such bore.

LOVE

2007-06-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

And I feel like I'm living someone else's life.

I'm pretty convinced that at this point of time, I'm just about the loneliest person on earth. There's really just no one around. What else can I do? Indulge in panadols to stop the pain? Or just mother fucking stop it? Stop everything and make everyone else happay?

I don't want to go to school on Monday. No, please I don't want to wake up and go to a place where i'm all alone. I hate how so bloody narrow minded those people are. I tried talking to a classmate about it but omg she fucking hell bloody bitch ought to be shot i fucking swear. She did'nt even reply to what i was talking about and began talking about something stupig. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PEOPLE! TOO MUCH PIG'S FAT IN THE SYSTEM IS IT!?

And please, even though I don't really like the subjects I'm taking, I AM doing well okay. So don't come up with this BULL about how I'm not doing well and thats why yadah yadah yadah. But I don't really care either you know.

I've been keeping all the letters that I've wrote to you. Each one's a line or two; "I'm fine baby, how are you?". Well I would send them but I know that its just not enough. My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that.

Oh I miss you, you know.

yeah baby

2007-06-02T01:58:00.001-07:00

still i wish you were here.